Scared

I slept by Kevin last night. I wasn't planning on it but it ended up working out that way. We spent a bunch of time just listening to music together. It was so nice. Because of the nature of his job he works at night. I still havent figured out a way to be comfortable sleeping there without him. I don't either think he's figured out a way to be comfortable working while I'm there. I get out of bed at some point and go sit near him because I feel alone in a strange bed. I think he ends up being a little distracted and doesnt have his full mind on his work because he's thinking about finishing up so he can go to bed together with me. I'm sure we'll figure out the rhythm of it eventually.

The sex is good. It's intense. It's scary.

I started crying last night during sex. It was too intense. Too scary. I buried my head in the mattress and I don't think he realized. And later I just lay there feeling numb and afraid. I felt afraid him. Afraid of the situation. Afraid of being hurt. It's been about two years since I had sex with a guy that I like for more than just the sex. I've spent the last year learning how to have sex without being in love with the guy. But now I'm having sex with a guy I like. Now it's a developing relationship, not just sex. It's like I can't get it out of my head, the possibility of really being hurt. I'm constantly questioning, constantly wondering what's going through his mind.

That pensive thinking face he has so often is still so incredibly scary to me. Every time I see it I feel like I need to ask him "what's the matter?" I feel like maybe I did something wrong. I feel like maybe he doesnt want me there or maybe he doesnt like something about me or something I did.

I feel like the more I like Kevin, the weaker I become. I want to be strong. I don't want to be vulnerable. I dont like feeling afraid.