The Circle Game

New Years Resolutions

2012-01-19T00:37:00.000-05:00

I've been a bit busy this month and I didnt make time to do this post. But here it is. My resolutions for this year:

1) Pay off ALL credit card debt. Zero balance before January 2013.

2) Run at least one race every month. Distance doesnt matter. Complete my nine NYRR races for entry into the NYC Marathon for 2013.

3) Submit at least 2 (preferably more) job applications each month until I get a new job.

Next post I'll go back and look at last year's resolutions.

Unrelated... I got back from Denver today, zipped home with the help of a lunatic NYC cab driver, changed into cold weather running gear and ran 3 miles. Then last minute got together with the ex-gf for a late dinner. Her lips are still so soft...

No Happy Holidays

2011-12-23T23:03:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I am filled with such intense self-loathing that it makes me feel physically ill. Like I'm going to throw up. And my head is pounding and I cant think straight because the noise in my head is too loud. It's saying YOU'RE DISGUSTING. YOU'RE A FAILURE. YOU'RE FAT. NO ONE LIKES YOU. YOU HAVE NO SELF CONTROL. PEOPLE CANT STAND YOU. I HATE HATE HATE HATE YOU. And I have a strong urge to revert to all of the self-destructive behaviors of my past right now. This feeling of utter disgust and physical nausea makes me want to purge. The force of the multitude of negative feelings inside me that I cant even verbalize, totally overwhelms me and makes me want to cut, to get that release.

I'm going with my friend to her sister's house for the weekend. I dont feel like going but I dont know how I can stand to be with myself/by myself for three days straight. Right now I feel so anxious about this, I feel nearly paralyzed. I cant think about packing or what I'll bring. I have these presents I have to wrap and here's the wrapping paper and here's the scissors but I simply can't do it. I have a big bag of laundry that I must unpack because some of it is wet but instead it's been sitting on the floor for the past four hours. And all of this makes me feel even more incompetent, even more of a failure.

I really dont give two shits about this holiday or any other. I'm an atheist.

More Worser

2011-12-14T23:02:00.000-05:00

I have too much extra time lately. I find myself on youtube or hulu, watching thinspiration videos or personal eating disorder stories or Intervention episodes that deal with anorexia/bulimia. I already feel bad about myself these days. That's an understatement. Watching these videos makes me feel even worse and yet I'm drawn to them. I dont want to stop watching despite the bad feelings. I feel like a failure. Not like someone recovered from an eating disorder, like someone who FAILED at an eating disorder. And now I'm fat and disgusting. I eat like a pig. For dinner I had 2.5 eggs, an apple w/ 2 tablespoons of peanut butter, and a chocolate pudding cup. I feel nauseated by that- by the amount and by the fact that it's shit- lots of carbs and sugars. Truthfully, I'm jealous of anorexics. I wish I had the willpower that I had years ago to restrict my food intake and to stay skinny. I felt in control and I felt good about my ability to lose weight and become skinny. I was depressed but I'm depressed now too, so what's the difference? I might as well be depressed and look good too. Between my sugar addiction and being totally pathetic, I just dont know if I can do it. Tonight I really cant stand myself. I want to say that I'll start new tomorrow. That I'll tweet every single thing I eat- because then I eat a lot less and a lot better because I'm embarrassed about people seeing that I eat so much or eat so much crap. That I'll go to the gym or run or work out in some way every single day. A real workout, not just a 45 minute half-assed workout. I feel like I'm just going to fail again though. I'll never be skinny or really beautiful.

Do you know what would make me feel a lot better right now? A few long, clean cuts on the inside of my arms and watching the dark red blood bead up and then slowly run down. If I knew I could do it once without relapsing and starting to do it regularly, I'd go for it tonight. But historically, it's never been a one time thing. If I do it once, I want to do it again. I cant afford to go there.

Worser

2011-12-12T15:24:00.000-05:00

I am fucking STRESSED OUT! At times when everything feels like it's falling apart and I'm all unsettled in my head, it starts affecting my life in a practical sense too. I become forgetful and distracted and start messing things up. For instance, I lost a signed document that I must send in to the agency that I work for part-time in order to get paid for 3.5 hours of services that I provided. This means I did $100 of free work because now I wont get paid. Lovely. Last night as I stepped in the door to my apartment I was thinking of places where I might have put that document. I think that in my distracted state, I might have left the keys in the lock on the outside of my door. In any case, this morning I could not find my keys. My apartment has very little stuff in it so I rarely lose anything for long- there's very limited placed where things could be. But I searched for 10 minutes and I couldnt find the keys. In the past, I have left my keys in the lock on the outside of my apartment door so I think I probably did that again. Distracted and unable to think straight, I grabbed my laptop, shoved it into my underwear drawer, grabbed a spare key, and left to work. I was stressed out and distracted for another reason too. I woke up this morning and looked at my phone. First thing I saw was a email from my bank, telling me that my checking account is overdrafted by about $40. This happened because I wasnt thinking straight and paid more than I should have towards my credit card without taking into account that other bills would be debited automatically from my checking account before my next paycheck. And so, I ended up having to stop at my bank atm before going into work to get a cash advance from my credit card and then deposit the cash into my checking account so as to avoid overdraft fees. Instead, I'm paying cash advance and atm fees. Now I'm at work and I cant concentrate at all because I cant stop thinking that someone is probably in my apartment ransacking it right now. And I'm scared to go home. I felt so paralyzed, I didnt take any action at all to fix the problem. Finally, I mentioned the problem to my coworker friend. He said, "have someone change the cylinder on the lock today." DUH. But it took someone else saying that to me to get me to start taking action. I called a locksmith and he's coming at 6pm. I'm scared to go home because I'm scared someone will be in my apartment and even if no one is there, I'm scared that someone was there sometime today and stole everything. I cant even think straight right now. Which is what got me into this problem in the first place.

I'm so miserable at work and hate my coworker so much but have to pretend to like her. I wake up in the morning with a big stomach ache from anxiety and depression. My head hurts all day long. I submitted another job application today but I feel so hopeless. I'm sure I wont hear back. Since the agency that I work for part-time just cut 7.5 hours weekly from my caseload, I submitted my resume to another agency that has part-time positions for the same work. I havent heard back from them and I feel like a total failure. Plus I'm worried about my finances. My income just dropped by about $1000 per month. That's a lot.

Oh my god I hate my life so much right now. And of course I feel fat and ugly and gross and I havent been working out as much as I should lately because I have very little motivation and very big headaches.

Something Positive

2011-12-06T21:35:00.001-05:00

I got a supportive email from my friend Aya on Sunday and ever since then I've been thinking...

Aya knew me when I was going through a really difficult time after the breakup with P, about 5 years ago. I remember how miserable I was then. I couldnt stand to be in my skin, in my life, or even on this planet. I wanted to be in some alternate reality. I was SO miserable. Right now I feel like my life is falling apart, brick by brick. One thing after another is going wrong. From the minute I'm conscious in the morning to the time I fall asleep at night, I'm some kind of combination of anxious, depressed, overwhelmed, frustrated, and angry. I'm pretty much as miserable as I was five years ago.

And yet, something feels different. I'm different. I'm stronger. SO much stronger. So even though I'm struggling and I'm miserable, I have this sense that I KNOW I can manage the situation. I've been here before and everything turned out ok because I worked hard and took control of my life. I can do it again and I'll get through this too. This misery is only temporary.

Near the edge

2011-12-03T17:59:00.000-05:00

I feel like my life is in shambles. I have not struggled this much on an emotional, psychological, and practical level since P and I broke up over 5 years ago. I'm so miserable and depressed, I cant even find the words or the energy to write about it. I'm trying to keep my happy face on for the world. It's so hard to climb out of this hole when I just have no energy or motivation to even get out of bed in the morning. I'm questioning myself, my decisions, my life. I feel like a failure. And though I have a few friends and a sister who I'm close to, I dont feel like anyone understands really how bad of a situation I'm in right now. I dont think I want them to understand either.

Hi

2011-11-02T01:22:00.000-04:00

This is me. Wearing my too-big technical tee from the Merrell Mud Run that I did a month ago. (http://www.downanddirtymudrun.com/) Procrastinating bedtime. Because that's what I do pretty much every night since that incident in May. Procrastinate and procrastinate until I'm so exhausted I cant help but fall asleep. Then I have to wake up a few hours later and go to work. And usually I'm tired and I feel like shit.

In other news, I got this crazy idea stuck in my head that I should complete an Iron Man race before I turn 30. That gives me 3ish years to train. Methinks I can do it. This year I'll concentrate on running and swimming because I dont want to spend money on a bike and biking gear yet. I start a 10 week training series for swimming in January. I shall also try to get into the NYC marathon for 2012. If not, I'll do my 9+1 for guaranteed entry in 2013. I'm running the Turkey Trot again this year. Last year I had just started running and was still struggling. I think my time was 40-41 mins. My goal is simply to beat last year's time. I'm also running the Jingle Bell race in early December. And also a race on New Year's Eve at midnight in Central Park. I'd stay home and do nothing anyway. I might as well run around.

On Friday I will complete a full 60 day round of Insanity. (http://www.beachbody.com/product/fitness_programs/insanity.do) It was really challenging, not just the workout, but sticking with it every day. It took me a bit longer than 60 days to complete the entire program because I injured my hip flexors at one point and because I was sick at another point. I had to to take a bunch of days off for each. The results that I got from the program are that I leaned down a bit- but not much because I've been eating a lot of crap lately. Also, my stamina and endurance have improved A LOT! Huge, huge, huge difference now. Running feels so much easier. The third major result that I got is better muscle definition- particularly my abs. Like, you can actually see some of my ab muscles now. It's very gratifying.

Rough Patch

2011-10-14T09:33:00.000-04:00

I've had this feeling of panic/depression/anxiety/overwhelm since last night. I feel like I can hardly breathe. My body feels weird, like it's not mine. My brain wants to be out of my body, to get away from it. My head hurts. I want to crawl into a dark corner somewhere and forget about the whole world and forget about myself.

Instead I'm at work. Not being especially productive, but I'm here. And I know I'll just push through and go where I'm expected to go and do what I'm expected to do and eventually I'll get distracted by life and forget about these feelings.

Girls are so much hotter

2011-08-24T00:58:00.003-04:00

Blahblahblahblah...

2nd Date

Blahblahblahblah...

I kissed a girl and I liked it.

Blahblahblahblah...

Butterflies and warm fuzzy feelings in my nether regions.

(To be continued?)

The Date

2011-08-14T20:36:00.000-04:00

She arrived half an hour late, and that already made me feel really bad. Unimportant.
She apologized profusely when she got there though and had a pretty good excuse. So I decided to forgive her.
I felt like the date was going ok, even though I was doing most of the talking or asking the questions. She didnt volunteer much on her own. And then about an hour and a half letter she announced that she is really tired so she's sorry but she's gotta go.
She drove me home. She said, "so yeah, we should for sure get together again." I was stupid enough to think that that meant that she actually wanted to go on another date with me. In actually it was some vague meaningless statement. When I asked her about her schedule for the coming week and tried to set up another date she hemmed and hawed and said that I should just text her and that she likes to take it very slow.
I guess I should have known when she ended the date at 8pm after an hour and a half. If she really liked me, her tiredness would have been irrelevant.
Well, anyway, I'm not texting her. Let her show interest if she's actually interested. Which I highly doubt.
At least I did it. At least I put myself out there. But wow, this whole process sure is crappy and annoying and disappointing. I dont think I've ever had a guy reject me after a first date. Ever. Or after a fifth date for that matter. I've either rejected him or we've dated for a couple months or longer and then broke up. Dating women is difficult.

Fear and Confusion

2011-08-08T19:33:00.000-04:00

So...

Strangely enough, the last guy I dated (FRD) wants to set me up with some cute butch chick that he knows. This has me thinking a lot. And freaking out a lot.

She's some kind of fitness instructor and she has pretty rockin bod. And she's cute. I feel totally inadequate. I have a tummy. I have fat thighs. My teeth are yellow. I have scars. I'm just not that good looking.

And then, can I really accept myself as bisexual? I've been attracted to women since I was a teenager but I sort of buried it because Paul felt so threatened by my desire to explore my sexuality with other women. And then after we broke up I was just focused on replacing Paul so I didnt think much about women. But for the past couple of years it's been nagging at me and especially in the past 9 months or so since the end of the relationship with FRD. When that ended I had this feeling like, I am done with men now. And then since the assault and that whole deal, I really feel like there is no way I can be intimate with a man. It just feels gross to me. But when I think about being bisexual, the predominant feeling I have is shame. Like I would feel embarrased to tell my friends.

But I feel like I dont know what I'm doing. Like I'm going to mess up. I dont know the rules in the same-sex dating game. I'm afraid of the unknown. I'm afraid I'll be bad in bed because I wont know what I'm doing. Or worse, that actually I wont be attracted, or wont let myself be attracted, or will be too scared to be attracted. And I really dont want to feel vulnerable right now.

Somehow it feels different with women. With men, theyve always been the initiators so I knew they liked me, were interested. I didnt have to try at all, just sit back and let them do the work. And at the same time, I just didnt care all that much. (Not in the very beginning anyway) So what if he didnt like me? I dont give a fuck. I liked being a hardass. I liked playing tough. And there's plenty more men and I dont really care all that much about any one particular guy anyway.

But with a woman it's different. I really care. I care that she should like me and think good of me. I care because it's women that I'm always comparing myself too. Am I as skinny as her? Am I as successful as her? Am I as good looking as her? I care a lot more what other women think of me because women are more relevant to me and my life. So I'm scared of rejection and scared of not being good enough. I dont feel good enough at all.

Also, she's butch. I have nothing against that. She's cute. But I'm not super-feminine. I mean, in ways I am but there's also days where I wear butch-ey clothes. It's not so much about that though. I guess it's more about my mentality. When I'm in relationships with men, I'm always fighting to be more "manly" and less feminine. To be a hardass. To show that I'm strong physically, that I dont give a fuck emotionally, to deny my femininity. Because I feel threatened by males. Like, my identity as a strong female individual feels threatened. I feel that if I act feminine, I wont be perceived as strong. Whatever that means. But how does this work in lesbian relationship? She's butch. She doesnt want another butch-ey female. But I dont want to be a prissy frou frou ruffley girlie girl. I dont want to be stuck playing a role. I just want to be me and I want to wear my girly dresses and also wear my wifebeater tank tops and men's shorts.

I'm also not happy that it's FRD who wants to set me up. He's the last person I want knowing about my relationship/sex/love life. That really bothers me. And not knowing what he's told her about me.

I don't know. I dont know anything. It all feels so overwhelming. It feels easier to be single. But then again, it would be nice to have someone significant in my life again. I'm so tired of this. I just dont know.

Hanging in there

2011-06-09T10:50:00.001-04:00

I'm just trying to get through the next two weeks. Things at work are extremely stressful right now. My coworker is leaving in less than a week, they havent hired anyone to replace her yet, and I am so overloaded with work. I've been doing 10 hour days lately, with no break. And still I dont know how I will possibly get all this work done.
I'm still not sleeping well which makes things even more difficult because it affects my concentration and ability to work efficiently. I'm terrified of the windows in the apartment that I'm living in right now and I'm up most of the night, most nights, staring at the windows and watching to see if anyone is trying to get in. Last night I wasnt able to fall asleep at all. Worse than simply not sleeping, is spending the entire night in fear, jumping at every little sound or light, tense and anxious and scared.

I'm going to Denver in two weeks and I'm really looking forward to getting away from NYC. I know it'll feel safer out there. The trip will not be without stress because of my nephew's Bar Mitzva and my sister's divorce, and my parents being there, etc etc. But still, I'm so desperate to get away from NYC so I'm just trying to hold out for the next two weeks.

2011-05-26T04:38:00.000-04:00

So miserable.

So miserable.

So miserable.

So miserable.

Flashbacks

2011-05-24T15:21:00.000-04:00

It's been a really difficult 48 hours. Hasnt been 48 hours yet actually.

The part that haunts me. Picture this: A fire escape window. A curtain hanging down. A slight noise. The window slowly rising. The shadow of the window sash against the curtain is moving upward. The silhoutte of a person crouching down is visible against the curtain. Oh My God. Something VERY bad is about to happen.

STOP STOP STOP IM GOING TO CALL THE POLICE HELP STOP GET OUT OF HERE IM GOING TO CALL THE POLICE. Shaky hands dialing 911. But he's inside already, punching and grabbing at the phone. Screaming stops as his hand is clamped over mouth and nose. Struggling to breathe.

The part that feels a little better:

Back in the bedroom now. He says, "sorry, sorry, me no mean to, sorry. Here..." He takes out his phone and he dials. Says something in Spanish to the person on the other end of the line. "Here" he says. He passes the phone. Crying and confused and scared, "hello?"

"Hello miss? Listen, I'm sorry, he didnt mean to come into your apartment, he meant to go to the fifth floor. I'm so sorry."

"YOU'RE SORRY!? I HAVE A BLACK EYE!! HE PUT A KNIFE TO MY THROAT! MAKE HIM LEAVE!!"

"I'm sorry he really didnt mean to come into your apartment, he meant to go to a different apartment."

"I DONT CARE! HE SHOULDNT BE BEATING ANYONE UP! YOU SEE?!! THATS WHY NOW I'M GETTING HURT! YOU SHOULDNT BE DOING THIS AT ALL!! MAKE HIM GO!!"

There's nothing more left to say. Mind reeling, phone handed back. He says, "I'm sorry, miss, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry I no mean to do that"

Crying..."Look at me! Look what you did! Look at me!!"

"I know but you...AHHHHH, and noise..." He tries to explain that he was only trying to stop the screaming. HE was scared.

"WHAT DID YOU EXPECT ME TO DO!? YOU CAME IN MY WINDOW, INTO MY APARTMENT!! YOU WANTED ME TO SAY WELCOME?! THANK YOU FOR COMING!?"

More crying. He keeps saying, "sorry, sorry, I so sorry, me no mean to come here."

I look up and slap him across the face. No reaction, he just keeps saying it. I'm sorry.

There were parts in between and parts afterwards. Terrifying and confusing and sad and relieving and angering.

I'm trying to focus on the "good" part. I feel haunted by the bad parts though. Especially that first part. It keeps playing over and over in my mind, bringing back that feel of utter terror.

A better week

2011-05-12T12:58:00.000-04:00

I'm doing well this week on two fronts. I worked out on Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday this week. I did three 1-hour spin classes and one 45 minutes spin class, plus weight and resistance training and lots of abs exercises. My body feels good. I might skip the gym tonight and tomorrow I'm going to do a yoga class and maybe some cardio. I ate lots of vegetables and fruits this week too. I feel so much better physically this week.

Yesterday I bought tickets to see Pilobolus at the Joyce Theatre for my birthday present to myself. I think my sister from Denver will be in NYC for my birthday so we can have a nice night out together. If she doesnt end up being here that week then I 'll go see the performance with a friend.

My apartment is still a mess. I'll work on that this weekend.

To Sum It Up

2011-05-08T23:22:00.001-04:00

Complaints & General Negativity:

1. I feel depressed and unmotivated most of the time. Bad feelings. Bad dreams. Etc.

2. My apartment is messy. I dont clean the floors often enough. I dont clean the clutter often enough. I dont do my laundry often enough. I dont clean the kitchen often enough. I dont even clean the bathroom often enough. Instead I spend hours playing mindless games on Yahoo. This is related to #1.

3. I hate my work environment. My office mate and two coworkers who she is close with are constantly hanging out in my office and talking. My office mate is very beautiful. Everyone at my job adores her. They tell her straight out how beautiful she is. My office mate and her two friends are very focused on looks. Who is hot. Who is not. Who is fat and ugly, etc. When I first started my job I tried to fit into their little clique. I'm done trying. I dont want to explain all this, it's too fucking difficult. Suffice it to say, I feel ugly, insignificant, unsophisticated and totally pathetic around them. I've started just keeping to myself at work. That makes it a little bit better.

4. I'm going to Denver next month for my nephew's bar mitzva. I'm anxious about this because it's the first big event since my sister and brother in law divorced. My brother in law has been a huge asshole, especially in the past year. I dont want to see him. I dont want to be at an event which is going to be split, like his family is gonna have their meal together and my sister and our family are going to have our meal together. It just all feels yucky to me. It's going to be stressful. Oh yes, and my parents will be there. Shoot me.

5. I dont work out very often anymore. This is also related to #1. And also related to the fact that I've been busting my ass at both of my jobs lately and I'm tired and have less free time. And also related to the fact that I'm really bored at the gym. But mostly it's related to #1. If I had more motivation I'd find a way to make it happen. Meanwhile, I feel bad about myself and bad about my body. I feel like a failure. I feel disgusting. I am disgusting. And blubbery. And fat.

6. Speaking of which, my eating habits suck lately. I havent been eating enough fruits and veges and I've been heavy on the carbs. And way too much sugar. It is practically impossible for me to stop eating sugar. I'm totally addicted. And I've been eating too much in general. I dont exactly count calories but I just know I've been eating too much. Probably about 3000 calories a day. I dont know how it is that I still fit into my clothes. I feel gross.

The Positive Things

1. I still love living alone. Also, I'm more than halfway through my current lease and then I can move to a better apartment. That's gonna make me happier.

2. I'm single and I'm okay with being single. Actually, I'm relieved to be single. I feel like my last relationship drained me of so much of my energy and it feels really good to just be with me right now.

3. I'm making a nice amount of money through my second job and slowly but steadily paying off my credit card debt. I think that over the next year I'll be able to pay it off entirely.

4. Last week I made a big effort to go to the gym and I ended up going 4 times. If I can keep that up I'll be happy.

5. I'm making efforts to incorporate more fruits and veges into my diet starting this week. I bought green beans, sugar snap peas, lettuce, cucumber, kale, pears, and oranges. It's a start.

6. I've been going to classes at Brooklyn Brainery and this helps me get out and be more social, not to mention learning cool stuff and having fun. I learned to make mozzarella cheese and I took a bread making class. I'm also signed up for another class later this month. I'm going to try to go to two classes each month.

7. I had a really nice photo shoot last month and I'm happy with how the photos came out. I'm also modeling again later this month. I always feel really anxious and shitty about my body beforehand but then the process is usually fun and the result is usually nice. Overall, it's a therapeutic and healing experience for me. Forces me to see myself as maybe.....beautiful.

Finances & Friends

2011-02-08T09:43:00.000-05:00

I feel like I should start every blog posting with an explanation for why I havent been blogging lately. Like I owe somebody, or myself, an explanation. Anyway, theres no reason other than, I havent felt like it.

I've been working really hard for the past few months. I have my full time 9-5 job and also my part time job that I work all day Saturday and also Monday night. It feels good to be making a nice amount of money finally. Though I still have credit card debt and student loans to pay off, I feel more financially stable than I have for many years. Maybe because I feel so in-control of everything. Because I have a plan to pay everything off and a goal of when I want to accomplish it by. Each month I've been putting $1000 towards debt and I think I'm going to try to pay even more starting next month. I'm trying to have most of my debt paid off by the end of this year. So I feel very in-control and it feels good to have taken my life into my own hands and to be working hard for my future. I hope that next year I can start SAVING at least $1000 per month. So maybe one day I can buy an apartment and a car and be able to do the things I want to do.

So I've mostly been throwing myself into my work, to the exclusion of everything else. Including my friends. Most of my friends are busy now too so it's been ok. And once in a while I do get together with a friend for dinner. And I also speak to a couple of my friends on the phone pretty often. The thing is, I don't really WANT to hang out with friends lately. I spend so much time running around and working that when I do finally have down-time, I just want to be by myself. Spending time with friends almost feels like an obligation at this point- something I have to do in order to maintain my friendships because I know that sometime in the future, things will be different and I wont be so antisocial. Having my own apartment makes it even more possible for me to isolate myself. I just want to escape to my apartment, close the door, and be in my own little world for as long as I can. This past weekend I spent from Saturday evening to Monday morning without leaving my apartment once. And I was content.

I'm not sure what to think about my current antisocial existence. I like it and I feel okay most of the time. So I dont really want to change. Maybe it's not so healthy. But maybe it's okay for now and it's what I need at present. I don't know if I can handle having a social life right now. It feels like a bother and simply too difficult.

More difficult times

2010-11-09T14:13:00.000-05:00

I've been feeling so depressed lately. It's hard for me to focus on anything. I feel so unhappy and so alone. I hate my life. Hate my apartment. Hate my neighborhood. Hate myself.

Yesterday I left my phone at home by mistake. I was out from 8am to 9pm. When I got home I had no missed calls and no text messages. That's a typical day for me. It's hard to be so alone.

Today, the management company for my building called and said they would go fix some things in my apartment. I left my dirty gym clothes on the floor this morning and my apartment was a little messy. I feel embarrassed about that. And I feel like a failure. I feel so terrible. So ashamed. The way I feel is totally out of proportion to what occurred. I know that. It's about something else. If I had the energy, I'd figure it out. I don't feel like thinking though.

I feel terrible about my body lately. The way I have a tummy and the way my abdominal muscles have pretty much disappeared. I feel disgusting. I hate the skin I'm in. I started eating better this week and I'm trying to go back to 7 days a week of working out. I hope I can see changes in my body soon. I also decided that I want to try to start running. I've done a few outdoor runs in the past couple of weeks and I want to do more and longer. I signed up for a 5 mile run on Thanksgiving morning. Running in cold weather is very difficult for me but maybe it will be good for me to focus on that challenge instead of all the other negative things that I've been focused on.

I'm so anxious right now. My muscles feel tight. My stomach hurts. My head is spinning. I don't know what it is. Life, I guess. I'm sorry I have nothing nice to say. I feel like crying.

It's been a while...

2010-10-26T11:03:00.000-04:00

I just felt the urge to blog so I figured I'd take advantage of it real quick before it goes away. I havent felt much like blogging at all for a long time. I havent felt like thinking about my life either. I feel tired mostly. Sick of analyzing and tired of thinking about my problems.

Life is pretty crazy right now for me. I have two jobs and a new apartment with no roommates. But I'm not so happy. I have very few friends here in nyc and the few that I do have, I hardly ever see. Partly because I'm truly busy, partly because I'm physically and psychologically tired, and partly because I've just been feeling terribly anti-social. I'm getting kind of tired of new york city. I'm starting to feel like maybe I do want to move to Denver. I looked into it and there are some really cool areas of Denver that are more urban and trendy. But I don't know if I can swing it financially. They dont pay social workers as well out there and living costs would actually be the same as they are here in Brooklyn.

So anyway, I'm stuck here for now. Working my ass off. Trying to pay off credit card debt and student loans. Studying for my licensing exam which I really should have taken already. Still trying to get my apartment set up. Trying to stay happy. Etc.

I've pretty much given up on relationships, by the way. Too much trouble, too much time and energy, not enough payoff. I'm still friends with professor dude/FRD but he gets on my nerves a lot. And I'm getting fat and ugly anyway. I've been totally slacking at the gym. Not as much motivation as I used to have. I tend to go only 4 times a week lately.

That's all folks!

Why I'm So Quiet

2010-07-19T13:40:00.000-04:00

I havent been posting much in the past few months because I don't want to think things through and analyze them and pick them apart and figure things out. Lately, I feel like I just want to let life happen. Let it take me where it will. I'm ambivalent about what I want. I dont want to make any choices. I trust that the random forces in the world will push me in a direction that will work out just fine for me. Sometimes it feels stressful not to know where I'm headed or even where I want to be headed. But mostly, I'm happy to just float along for now. I am taking care of the superficial (but important) things like getting back on my feet financially and working hard at my job and learning to drive and getting my social work license. I'm trying to put all of my energy into those things right now. The rest will happen when it should, as it should.

All the news that's fit to tell

2010-07-18T22:26:00.000-04:00

Things I've done in the past 2 months:

Finished grad school, got my MSW.

Got a job as a forensic social worker in a law firm.

Started driving lessons again.

Went to a nude beach for the first time in my life.

Turned 25 and had the best birthday week that I ever had in my adult life.

Taken out my nipple jewelry and let the piercing close.

Things I'm working on now:

Getting a part-time second job because I want to pay of my student loans and credit card debt as quickly as possible.

Driving more

Studying for my licensing exam. I need to be working on this more than I am currently.

My relationship with FRD. Not exactly working on it but I'm still with him and it's the longest relationship I've had with a guy since my relationship with Paul. Ironically, I still have no idea what I want from this relationship, where it's going, or if it will be long term.

Stomach churning anxiety

2010-05-07T18:36:00.000-04:00

In the past month, my anxiety has been gradually rising. In the past couple of weeks I've had a few bad anxiety attacks. Today isn't good. Bought a bagel for breakfast, took two bites and couldnt eat any more. Also drank a latte. Bad idea. The caffiene made me more anxious. Went out during lunch with Isha to a Thai place. I couldnt finish my lunch-portion sized meal. Got a doubles when I got home today but couldnt eat more than 3 bites. Anxiety makes me so naseous. The whole day I feel like I'm going to throw up. And when I was sitting outside on a bench earlier, I started crying all of the sudden. For no reason. About nothing. I wasnt sad. Just anxious and afraid.

My number one anxiety right now is money. I finished my internship and I have to start job searching. I submitted 4 resumes in the past 2 weeks. I got one rejection notice and haven't heard back from the other three. If I don't get a job in the next couple of months, I won't have money to pay my rent. Then I'll have to borrow money from my sister or my aunt. Just thinking about that makes me feel even more anxious. What if no one hires me? There are hundreds of recent social work graduates all looking for jobs right now. I might not get a job right away.

And if I don't have a job and I have no structure to my day, I'm going to start getting depressed very quickly. And more anxious. And I won't be in a good place psychologically at all. That worries me too.

I have one difficult paper that I still need to finish up. And one not so difficult paper that I need to finish up. And one paper that I need to just do a few revisions. But it's weighing on me and I need to get it done. But my concentration is shot and my motivation is low because of the anxiety. Actually, maybe it's not an issue of motivation, rather, I feel paralyzed by anxiety. Like I literally CANT do anything. When I think about working on cover letter so that I can send more resumes, I just feel myself shutting down. I feel so overwhelmed, so anxious.

I wish I had medication right now for this, because I'm really feeling terrible and I need my mental and physical energy so much right now.

I'm also anxious about FRD. Because he's moving forward quickly on the divorce right now. The seperation agreement will probably be drawn up within a month or so. And I'm afraid of change and of having to make decisions about me and him. It's been sort of nice to be in a relationship with an unavailable man. I'm afraid now because I dont know what i really want. What if I can't make things work with him anyway? What if he isnt interested in me anymore? What if it just doesnt work out for other reasons? It all scares me and makes me anxious.

I hope this part of my life is over quickly. I want to start thinking of solutions to these issues and possible ways to alleviate my anxiety so that I can be productive. But right now I'm too stuck in my feelings of anxiety. Maybe later or tomorrow I'll be able to figure it out.

Here I am!

2010-04-16T20:15:00.000-04:00

Yes, I know it's been a while. No, I havent died. Obviously. But my grandfather did. I went to the funeral yesterday in Rhode Island. The most stressful thing for me was not that he died, but that my parents were there and I had to see them. My mom gave me a hug and I hugged her back. There was no other choice really. Her dad just died. It would have looked really bad for me to ignore her. My mom kept telling me, "I miss you so much." I kept saying, "I know." What else is there for me to say? My mother asked me, "So will you email us sometimes?" I said, "Probably not." She looked at me mournfully. I said, "I don't want to give you an answer that's not true. And I'm not going to email you." She said ok. She said she missed me again. I said I know. It was hard to be around my parents- them acting all sweet and nice and asking questions about me and my life. I couldnt stop thinking, these are the people that tortured me for 16 years of my life. These are the people that gave me black and blue marks, split lips, etc. And they sit here smiling and pretending like it's all good, like nothing ever happened. And in their minds, nothing has ever happened. That's the really disturbing part. And my dad...the way he interacted with me...I just got this sense that he doesnt really like me at all. I felt sort of like how I felt in grade school- like the misfit, the outsider, the totally uncool and unwanted girl. And besides for all of this, the really striking thing was that I felt so little for my parents. So little emotion at all. Good or bad. I feel so different, in a different world, in a different lifestyle, like everything is different between us. It's been so long since I've been around such radically religious people that it's hard for me to even relate at all to them, any more than I would relate to a stranger I pass on the street.

Well...that pretty much covers the funeral. Otherwise, life has been hectic with the usual ups and downs. I have another 6 weeks of school left and I'm doing pretty well on my papers. I'm nearly finished 2 of them and I have one other paper that is started but I still have a lot of work to do on it. Mostly I'm anxious about finding a job at this point.

Things are going well with FRD. We're not officially dating though it seems like we are at times because we have a close friendship and like each other a lot. I wish he would get his divorce already so we can at least have the option of normal dating. It's working as is for now though. I'm busy with my life and my "frelationship" with him doesnt require a huge amount of emotional energy- which is perfect for now. Once I become more settled, something will have to change though. We shall see how it goes.

I havent wanted to be social online lately, other than twitter. I havent felt like interacting much with anyone. I havent been on Flickr for ages. I want to write more often in my blog again but I don't know if I will or wont. Either way. I'm not going to be hard on myself. I have enough going on in real life that needs my attention right now.

A rant

2010-03-07T17:50:00.000-05:00

I'm pissed at FRD, he acted like an ass, I think he doesnt know how to be a good friend or how to act in friendships or relationships and that's why he doesnt really have any close friends. I don't think it'll get any better after the divorce goes through. I think he'll be more comfortable living as a bachellor. So I don't know why I'm even sticking around at all. There's being understanding and then there's being a doormat. Friendship is about reciprocity. Just sayin.

Now I only wish he read my blog.

Twitter and Foursquare

2010-03-03T13:41:00.000-05:00

I joined twitter and foursquare, just because I felt like it. I like how I get to express myself and I don't have to interact with anyone if I don't want to. In fact, I havent added anyone as a contact yet, even though there are a few people that I've been following regularly for a while. I have an entirely different ID for twitter because I don't want my twitter to be connected to my blog or my flickr. There are too many safety issues since I'm updating my location regularly with Foursquare.

One thing that I've been using twitter for is to report every single thing that I eat each day. It helps me eat less and eat healthier because I'm afraid someone will see what I eat and think I'm a pig. So if I want to eat some cookies or if I'm hungry at 11pm, I think to myself, "well, if I eat that I'll have to put it up on twitter and do I want to do that?" Usually the answer is no. It's a really good way to stay on top of my eating. I think I lost a couple of pounds in the past few days. My calorie intake was between 2000-2500 calories a day and since I started with twitter it's between 1600-1900 a day. That's really good for weight loss because already I burn 500-800 calories every day at the gym.

I'm not sure if I'll stick with twitter, but for now it's fun and not too much of a headache.

Sunday Stuff

2010-02-28T11:49:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, FRD and I had the beginnings of a discussion about religion, spirituality, and values. I really don't feel like writing it all out but I have a lot going on in my mind right now on these topics. Maybe another day, another post.

Ever since we ended the official relationship and havent been sexually involved with each other, I'm like a little horny devil! He's still around and yet I can't have him! It's maddening! I don't see how this is going to get better any time soon. I suppose that over time it will be easier.

I had a great workout at the gym yesterday. My pecs are sore and my hamstrings are sore. I'm already feeling more awake and more healthy and generally better. It's good to be back at the gym.

It's not even noon yet and I feel so anxious today. I think it's about schoolwork and how I'm not getting enough of it done because I'm not focusing well. It's giving me a headache.

I don't feel like writing in my blog. I don't feel like explaining myself. I wish the thoughts could go straight from my brain onto the screen because it feels frustrating to have to formulate sentences and then I just give up because the task feels too daunting.

Some random things

2010-02-27T11:25:00.000-05:00

So. What is it that I want to say? Hmmm... a few things.

I'm happy with how things are between me and FRD for now. We're friends but still more than friends. He slept over a few nights ago because he was locked out of his house and didnt have his keys. That was a nice unexpected treat. We got to talk about some important stuff and just be physically close to each other and cuddle.

I'm not happy with my body at all. I feel the pressure of summer coming up. I need to get back to eating healthier again. Less sugar and crap foods. More protein and vegetables. I bought a bikini online. I tried it on when I got it and I was so disgusted with how I look in it. I just so badly wish that I had a smaller body.

Speaking about body, I havent been to the gym in a week. Today is my first day back. I was really sick for a few days and then residually sick for a few more days and I still don't feel 100% well. Mostly, I've just been so exhausted so quickly. I've been sleeping a lot. I fell asleep last night at around 9pm. Maybe working out regularly again will give me more energy.

I have to start my job search soon. I'm feeling really anxious about that. Will I be able to get a job? Will I be able to get a job that I want? That pays what I want? The whole thing is really nerve-wracking because it's a real necessity at this point- I don't have enough savings to live on past the time that I graduate.

I have three big papers to write for school. It's not really such a big deal, I just have to do it. I'm hoping to have one of them halfway done by the end of this weekend. I feel really lazy in this last semester. I don't want to do any work.

I wish spring was here already. I'm sick of snow.

In appreciation of congee

2010-02-23T14:43:00.000-05:00

Still feeling pretty sick. I took the day off of work today. The serious lack of food in my apartment has had me going crazy as I've been craving hot food and soup since I got sick. I decided to do something about it today so I went on an outing to Chinatown and picked up a huge container of congee and another huge container of noodle/vegetable soup. Now I'm back home and entirely exhausted. After a bowl of congee, I'm ready for bed again. I just have to say though, that the Chinese people really know how to make me feel better when I'm feeling like shit. A bowl of hot congee is the ultimate comfort food when I'm feeling gross and cranky. It soothes my stomach the way that a creamy bowl of oat bran would but it doesnt sit as heavy in me. The texture appeals to the cranky two year old in me- it's a texture that a lot of little kids would like (Though Yaffa says it looks like snot and she won't taste it.) The taste isnt very strong, just very lightly sweet (I got congee with pieces of sweet corn in it) and very lightly salty, which is nice when I'm feeling ill. Sigh. It's lovely. It was worth the trip. Now I'm going back to bed.

So Sick

2010-02-21T18:08:00.001-05:00

My weekend is not going at all as planned. I woke up this morning with a very sore throat and a very snotty nose. I got up anyway and went to the laundromat to wash my clothes. After I got it in the dryer, I came home and got back into bed. Right before I got up to go back and get my clothes, FRD texted me. He said he would be walking past my apt in 5 minutes and he would wave to me. I told him I was leaving my apartment in 5 minutes. We met up on the street and I gave him a big long hug. I couldnt talk right away because I felt like I would cry. We walked to Dunkin Donuts and sat and talked for a while. Caught up on what's been going on in the past couple of weeks. I asked him if he can see the possibility of us dating at some point in the future. He said yes. Somehow that helps me be okay with everything and move on for now. We agreed that I would not cut off from him like I've been doing until now. We'll get together every now and then to keep up with each other. We shared a big hug before we went our separate ways. I got my laundry and went home. I went back to bed.

I'm glad I got my laundry done today. I'm okay with missing the gym (for the second day in a row) and not doing grocery shopping. I really must have some school work done by tomorrow evening but I don't think I can do that tonight. I also have to look over my sister's college admission essay and I told her I'd do that today. I feel really ill though. I have no energy and my head hurts, my body aches, and I just want to sleep. I've been uncomfortably cold all day long and my eyes feel like they're burning up. My throat is hurting really badly too. I've been alternating between hot tea, cough drops, and frozen yogurt to try to make it feel better. I hope I'm feeling a lot better tomorrow so I can get stuff done. There's also a movie that I really want to see at BAM that's only playing tomorrow. This totally blows.

Desperate for change

2010-02-21T00:29:00.000-05:00

I didnt finish cleaning my room. I got distracted by the mirror. Looking in the mirror, I'm so disgusted with what I see. I feel like throwing up everything I ate this evening. I feel like a disgusting person. Huge. Fat. Ugly. My cheeks are puffy and fat. My stomach blubbers over. My legs, my thighs, my butt... there's enough for two people. Laying in bed I am so aware of my body. I can feel my fat thighs pressing against each other. I can feel my stomach popping out. My neck has folds of fat and I can feel those too.

I want to be skinny. I want to be good enough. I want to be worth it. For someone else to think I'm worth it too.

I've had such a small appetite for the past week and yet I've eaten a lot anyway. Now is the time for me to eat less because I'm not hungry. I've been skipping days at the gym regularly. I need to stop doing that. I need to work out harder. I need to do more cardio and burn more calories. I need to set a weight goal and get there.

Tomorrow I start fresh. I don't want to fail. I'm afraid to fail.

I'm so tired of this shit.

Tired, Trying, Not much to show...

2010-02-20T18:42:00.001-05:00

Feeling of the day: Tired

Early Saturday morning phone call from a good friend who has bigger anxiety issues than me (can you believe it?!) turns into two hour conversation until she calms down and is ready to move on. Now I'm awake but still so tired and I want to sleep so badly. I fall into a half sleep with crazy dreams. I wake up at 11:30 am, still tired.

Action of the day: Trying

I had planned to get up at 9am and do my laundry. I have no workout clothes left. Now I have no time. I think maybe I'll buy some new stuff at Target for today. I get out of bed despite my tiredness. I put on makeup to feel good about myself. Light green sparkly eyeshadow on top and shimmery gold underneath my eye to make me look more awake than I am. Not hungry but I make and eat a pb and honey sandwich anyway. Pack up my laptop and a shopping bag with the intention of doing my grocery shopping. Go to Connecticut Muffin and sit down to work. I pretty much finished my resume. I start on schoolwork. One of my professors wants some kind of feedback re Rawl's theory of justice vs Smith's theory of economics. I read the assignment over and over. I realize that my brain has not yet begun to function on that level today. I give up. I do a different assignment. Assignment completed. It's nearly 2pm and there's a movie at BAM that I want to see called Up From the Bottoms: The Search for the American Dream. I go and watch that. It's a weird feeling to be practically the only white person in the room full of black people during a movie that talks about racism and slavery. (I'm sure there was a couple of other white people there but I didnt see them.)

Outcome for the day: Not much to show

So many things I wanted to get done today. Start one of my papers. Do the laundry. Work out. Do grocery shopping. I did none of that. After the movie I thought to myself that I'm hungry. But I couldnt figure out what I wanted to eat. I've had this problem for the past week. So I gave up on food. What next? All I could think about was sleep. I want to sleep. I'm tired. I feel like I didnt fully wake up. Without thinking, I walk to the train station, get on a train, walk to my apartment, drop my stuff in my room, take off my clothes, lay down in my bed and sleep. It's a half-sleep and I have crazy dreams again. FRD is in most of my dreams lately, but also all kinds of family members that I havent seen or heard from in a long time. Some of them dead. My alarm goes off at 5:15 pm. I need to sleep more. I feel so tired. I press snooze five times before I drag myself up and out of bed. I heat up some leftover spagetti and "meat" sauce from yesterday's dinner. I eat. I think about what I did today. I think about everything I didnt do. I feel overwhelmed and bad about that. I think about FRD and that I miss him and really wish I could just get a hug from him right now. I look around my room and it's such a mess I can hardly see the floor or my bed under all of the clothes and shoes and random shit. It makes me feel so anxious, I start to feel like a mess myself and like my life is a mess. So I'll at least get something accomplished tonight. I'll clean my room. And I'll make a plan for tomorrow so that it is a more productive day.

Oh yes, I got a manicure yesterday. Color is called, "no room for the blues". It's a sky blue color. I was a little horrified by it after I saw it on my nails but I've received a few compliments from random women in public so I'm starting to like it. My manicurist was a Nepali man. I always go to the same nail salon but I've never had that man before yesterday so I didnt know that he's Nepali. It was cool! I told him about my trip to Nepal and we talked about the food and the country and his family and stuff. It was really nice to actually talk to the person doing my nails instead of sitting there and watching them silently.

too tired for a title

2010-02-18T19:24:00.001-05:00

This week my anxiety has been higher than usual. I haven't had much of an appetite. I havent had much concentration or focus. For the past few days I've also felt incredibly overwhelmed. It's everything and it's nothing. Schoolwork on my mind. The stress of an internship that I don't like. A change of supervisors. Missing FRD. A lot of missing FRD. I can't count the amount of times that I so badly wanted to call him. But I didnt. He asked for space and I respect that. Every time I'm on the train, I hope that I'll bump into him. If I did, I would give him a big hug and wouldnt let go until I had to get off the train. I'm going to have to see FRD at some point to give him the girl scout cookies that he ordered from my niece. I'm looking forward to it and dreading it at the same time.

This week has felt so long. I've been dying to get to the weekend already. At the same time I feel overwhelmed about the weekend. About everything I want to get done. But I'm going to do fun things too. I'm going to see two movies that are part of BAM's "The Best of the African Diaspora Film Festival." I'm going to get a manicure. I'm going to go to that breathwork/meditation class again. And in between, I'm going to do lots of school work. And put the finishing touches on my resume. And get some sleep. I'm exhausted.

More processing

2010-02-14T16:41:00.000-05:00

It's been a surprise to me how good I feel emotionally over the past day and a half. Besides for feeling kinda sad when he first told me and then really shitty when I was going through my stuff last night, I've felt really okay for the most part. Compare that to the turmoil I was in for weeks (months?) after Kevin and I broke up. Or the craziness when Carl and I broke up about every two weeks. I was thinking about the possible reasons why that is. For one, I only dated FRD for 2-1/2 months. Second, I wasnt really surprised by the breakup. I think that I stayed more in reality during this relationship than any previous relationship. I was very aware of the risks and hazards. I did not fantasize as much (but I did fantasize.) But also, I think that my relationships are getting healthier and healthier. There was less dependence, clingy attachment, and lack of space in my relationship with FRD. A lot of that was due to his ability to set limits- it wasn't just me. But I was able to respond to those limits in a healthy manner and not feel rejected by them. I think that I dealt with this relationship in a very healthy way overall and that makes me able to deal with the end of the relationship in a much healthier way too. So that's the silver lining I guess.

I took a breathwork/meditation class at the gym today. The focus of today's meditation was love- specifically, opening ourselves to receiving love. When the instructor was saying that, I thought to myself, "yeah, well I don't have that problem because FRD isnt giving love anymore." But then I thought about it during the meditation and I opened myself to the idea that FRD probably loved me more than I even knew or ever will. There have actually been multiple times where he has tried to tell me this. His breaking up with me was not simply a selfish act to make himself happier, but also a way of protecting me since he knew he could not give me what I want in a relationship right now. That's a hard thing to accept but I do think that it's true. Understanding this and being open to this idea makes me feel even more okay. It helps me start to let go of the wall that automatically went up between me and FRD (and me and all men/relationships) when he ended the relationship.

Also, I decided that I'm going to continue to be kind to myself. I bought wine and a baguette and cheese and I'm going to enjoy a yummy dinner on my own tonight. I don't need anyone else to feel good and enjoy life.

Some closure on Valentines Day

2010-02-14T11:44:00.001-05:00

I went to FRD's house this morning to pick up some things that he had that were mine. It was weird and sad. I turned off my emotions and I focused on my goal- get the stuff and leave. So I acted kind of robot-like and spoke as little as possible. But cognitively, I still knew it was sad. Ever since yesterday morning I've felt really anxious like I just wanted to get the stuff and move on. Getting it done has given me some closure and I'm less anxious now.

When I got home, I wished I had given him a hug. He's probably a little sad too. And also, I already miss his hugs and his touch and the feel of his body.

I'm working on my resume this morning and I'm almost finished. That will feel good! I'm going to the gym afterwards and then I'll go to a cafe and do schoolwork. Then grocery shopping. It feels good to have a structured and productive day.

Clearing out the past

2010-02-13T21:52:00.000-05:00

Tonight I've been going through a lot my old stuff. Papers and photos and correspondence, bills and official papers etc. And it doesnt feel good. In fact, it feels downright shitty! I threw away photos of me and paul, lots of letters that we wrote to each other, birthday cards, etc. It felt yucky to be holding them and looking at them and reading them. At some point, I stopped reading them and just threw them away. I guess it feels really bad today because I'm still feeling bad about FRD breaking up with me. I'm starting to feel sick to my stomach again.

And then there's all these things that I wrote when I was a teenager living at home with my crazy abusive parents. I would write down the arguments word for word after they happened. I would write down descriptions of the abuse. It helped me stay sane and it reminded me that they were the crazy ones- not me. I threw all of those writings away too. It was hard. Because those papers were proof of my own sanity and proof that they were the bad people. I kept them until now because I was afraid that letting go of that proof will somehow change the reality or make it murkier and I'll no longer be able to remember everything that I went through and why I refuse to have a relationship with my parents now.

I threw away an old daily planner from when I was 16 and living in Israel. I flipped through it and couldnt even understand what I had written in Hebrew for homework and stuff like that. It had all of the important dates marked off- when I met Paul, when I left my house- stuff like that.

It's hard for me to think that while my heart is aching and I feel sad about losing FRD, he is feeling relief and a sense of freedom because of the end of our relationship. Part of me wants him to feel the pain too. It's very selfish though.

I have to continue going through stuff now. I just want to get it over with and out of my apartment. I didnt feel like crying at all today until now. I feel a lump in my throat. I feel like I'm going to throw up.

Another bump in the road

2010-02-13T11:36:00.000-05:00

Today I was supposed to hang out with FRD. Instead, I got a phone call from him this morning. He said, "We need to talk." I said, "okay." He said, "This isnt working out for me." And then he explained how he has a lot going on in his life and how his life is very complicated right now and how our relationship makes it feel more complicated and feels constraining and stressful for him. How he needs space right now. And how it's psychologically taxing to be in this relationship which he can't be 100% open about since he's still legally married.

I understand all of that and actually, nothing he said surprises me in any way. For the past couple of weeks I've had this sense that he doesnt really want to be in a relationship at this point in his life. That I feel like an obligation to him, and not something 100% enjoyable. It was somewhat of a shock to get the phone call this morning, but on the other hand, I saw this coming for the past couple of weeks. I was just too afraid to bring it up myself. I think I knew what the answer would be.

Right now I feel pretty shitty. I feel sad, I feel lonely, I feel inadequate. I feel physically sick to my stomach and nauseous. But I have a lot that I need to get done this weekend. I have a lot of school work and I want to do some serious sorting out and throwing away and re-organizing in my room. I also need to finish updating my resume. I'm going to get up and go to the gym. I know that I'll feel a little better after I work out and I'll be able to concentrate better on the things that I need to do.

An important lesson

2010-02-09T23:22:00.000-05:00

I learned a lesson today about fear. Fear is shackles. Lack of fear is freedom. If I let go of my fear, I can actually do what I set out to do. When I hold onto my fear, it often prevents me from being able to do what I am trying to do.

About a year ago I tried for a while to do handstands. I just couldnt do it. Part of it was that I just wasnt as strong back then as I am now. But really most of it was that I was afraid. Eventually I gave up and just stuck to headstands. Today I decided I'm going to try again. And I told myself, I know I have the strength, so just DO IT! Stop thinking about the fear! Just do it. And so I did. And it was easy. It felt so strange to all of the sudden be standing on my hands without any major effort. After I came down I thought to myself Wow! It really wasnt hard at all and the only thing that stopped me from being able to do it before was my own fear. I thought about it and I thought about how I often let fear stop me from doing things. How the words in my head are too often, "I can't do that" or "It's impossible". The only reason those statements are true is because of my fears- my fear of succeeding, my fear of failure, or any of the myriad of fears that I have. If I let go of those fears, I CAN do and it IS possible. I need to remember that.

So I need to practice my handstands and get more comfortable with the pose, really feel my balance and how my body feels in the handstand position. Then I want to be able to do it freestanding- not next to a wall. Then I want to be able to walk in a handstand position. Also, I want to start practicing doing handstand pushups. Those are hard. After I get a better sense of my balance, I'm going to start doing those.

That's what's up

2010-02-08T14:01:00.001-05:00

I got up this morning and went to planned parenthood because I have to reapply for the city insurance that pays for my birth control. I had a 10am appointment. When I got there they told me that the insurance woman wasnt in today. I was pissed at them for not calling me to let me know. Planned Parenthood in NYC sucks so bad. It's like being in a Medicaid office. They treat people like they are worthless and their time is worthless. All of this because we obviously are low-income and don't have the money to go elsewhere. Ugh! If I didnt need birth control, I wouldnt bother going there at all.

I went to the gym and did a half-assed workout. I went to the bank. When I was walking on the street I saw $20 on the ground. I picked it up. There was no one around except a lady who was coming towards me. I stood there looking around and holding the money because I felt like I should give it back to someone. I felt conflicted and like a bad person for picking up the money. I said to the lady who came toward me, "I found money on the ground." She said, "Well then it's yours." I said, "But there's no one around to give it back to."She said, "It's your money, honey. You found it. It's your lucky day." I said, "oh." She smiled and walked on. I stood there for a minute and then I walked on too. I felt guilty about the money though. Like I stole from someone.

I got buss-up and channa and vegetables for lunch from the Trini bakery. It was 8 dollars. I didnt feel so bad about spending $8 instead of the usual $1.50 for a doubles because I was 20 dollars richer. I still feel guilty about taking the money though.

I'm meeting up with FRD tonight to talk. I'm nervous about it. I'm upset at him. I don't like him very much right now. But he means enough to me to want to try to figure things out and make things better. It remains to be seen whether or not I mean enough to him that he wants to do the same.

I did my taxes on Saturday night. I'm getting about $1000 from the government. That's good because I really need it. I need to update my resume and clean my room and start working on school stuff. But first I'm taking a nap. I'm tired.

A man is a man is a man

2010-02-07T14:08:00.000-05:00

Last time I hung out with FRD was last week on Sunday. We were supposed to hang out on Friday night this weekend but he said he wanted to take it easy so he didnt want to hang out with me in the end. Then he said that he's busy hanging out with his friends this weekend and doing some other stuff so he doesnt have time to see me at all. Then he said he's in the middle of doing something so he cant talk on the phone either. That was Friday afternoon. Havent heard from him since. I called him and texted him today but got no response. I'm finished chasing.

I guess it's probably over and he just can't find the balls to tell me so he's avoiding me instead. I don't know what happened or why. I feel a little stupid for thinking he was different and believing his nice words. I don't know why I keep falling for guys and setting myself up to get hurt. I'm sure I'll do it again too.

Recent issues

2010-01-31T16:53:00.000-05:00

FRD is the kind of guy who loves to interact with everyone around him. It doesnt matter if he knows the person or not. It doesnt matter if he was invited into the conversation or if he is just a bystander. He reaches out and constantly gets involved. I feel incredibly threatened by it. When I'm with him and he starts doing it, I get very tense. My muscles get tense, my stomach starts to hurt, I feel anxious. Then later on, I'm critical of him. Sometimes I'll say something not outright critical but kind of passive aggressive about it. I hate that. I hate being critical of him. I feel bad afterwards and I feel like I wasted my time and energy on being critical instead of loving. I need to figure out a way to be around him and not feel threatened by that part of him. Logically I say to myself, that's who he is, it has nothing to do with me and he's not making me do anything that I don't want to do. I just need to learn to let it go emotionally as well.

The other thing that's really hard for me lately is the loudness of his voice. His normal voice is louder than anyone else that I know. In a train or in a store when we are having a conversation, everyone looks his way when he starts talking. Sometimes I just want to say to him, you know, I'm right next to you, I'll hear you just the same even if you don't shout at me. He's not really shouting but it feels like he is because of the loudness and the way his voice projects out of his body. It brings up negative feelings for me like how I felt when my parents yelled at me as a child. And he's not really aware of the sound of his voice. Even if I lower my voice considerably, he'll go on practically shouting at me. I don't want to be constantly critical or make him feel like he can't be himself around me. But I do really wish he would talk quieter. It would make me feel so much better.

Friday night fun

2010-01-15T23:40:00.000-05:00

I had a fun night tonight and I did stuff all on my own. It's been a while since I've felt like going out by myself. I decided that I needed to get out and do something and FRD didnt want to hang out tonight since we're going to be together tomorrow evening. So I went to see a movie by myself for the first time in my life. The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnasus. It was good and slightly disturbing. It was hard for me to sit through the entire movie. I'm not really a movie person and it's hard for me to sit in one place and look at a screen for two hours. But still, I enjoyed the movie. Then I went to Bamcafe Live. Performers from the Black Rock Coalition did an amazing live show of Curtis Mayfield songs. It was so inspiring. I'm so glad I went! I do wish that FRD would have come too though. He would have really liked it and I would have had someone to dance with. Oh well. Tomorrow evening we're going to Connecticut for a dinner party that one of his friends is having. Thankfully it's a casual dinner party.

I don't know why I'm so resistant to online socializing lately. I'm still behind on emails. I havent been posting on my blog. I'm not very active on Flickr. I havent been online to chat in a while. I don't know what it is but somehow all of that feels so difficult to do. So I've been avoiding it. I want to write more on my blog though. Writing my blog helps me think more about stuff going on in my life. I don't like that I'm neglecting that. Also, I've been having so many vivid dreams lately and I havent been writing them in my blog so they'll be lost forever. Sometimes I text a bit about the dream to FRD as soon as I wake up. That way at least I can go back and refer to my text message if I want to try to remember the details of the dream.

Tomorrow I have to do laundry, go to the bank, work out, and be ready to go to Connecticut around 4pm. So I'm going to go to sleep early tonight so that I get up and do that stuff tomorrow morning.

Goals for this year, the abreviated version

2010-01-11T20:46:00.000-05:00

1) Let go. Let go of stuff from the past. To begin with, in a physical and real sense. Delete hundreds of emails from the past. From Paul. From Carl. From Jeff. Throw away old love letters from Paul. Old photos of him. Throw away any negative things from the past.

2) Be a better listener. With friends. With strangers. As a professional. Listen. Don't jump to talk. Listen. Don't formulate an answer while the other person is still talking. Really listen to what other people are telling me.

3) Body image stuff. Wear shorts this summer. Wear a two piece bathing suit and go swimming in public. Swim at a nude beach with friends.

Those three scary words...

2010-01-05T00:48:00.001-05:00

He said them to me tonight. For the first time since I've known him. Since we started dating. He said, "I love you." He was scared to say it. He prefaced it with, "I said something to myself that I promised I wouldnt say yet." And then he told me. I love you. I was scared to hear it. I was scared because love itself is scary. And I was scared because he was scared. I felt the need to try to reassure him (and myself.) So I said stupid practical rational things in response. I said, "well love means different things to different people." I said, "I love you means different things when different people say it. I doesnt have to mean something big." I said, "I love you can even change meaning over times."

And then I was quiet. And then I said, "Thank you for having the courage and for trusting me enough to say that to me." And I gave him a kiss. It was kind of anticlimactic. But also a really sweet and happy moment. It felt good. The realization was overwhelming in a way. Oh my god. He loves me. Oh my god. I think I might be with this guy for a very very long time. But can it be? Can this be real? Can something this good, someone this good, really be for ME? I'm scared that the final answer to this question will be no. This is why it's scary to hear him say, "I love you."

I have no idea what love is. But I think I love him. I think I loved him from the first meal we shared together. Whatever that feeling was, love or otherwise, it's gotten stronger over the past 6 weeks. It feels like it gets stronger each time we spend time together.

P.S.- I know I still need to post my goals for this year. I have them but I havent felt like writing about them yet. But I will. Soon.

2009 Wrap-Up

2010-01-02T13:47:00.000-05:00

So I've been avoiding my blog for a little while. I don't know why. I've had a lot to say but I havent wanted to sit down and write it. Well, here it is. Some of it at least.

I've been off of school and work for the past couple of weeks. On the one hand it's been nice to relax and de-stress and spend time with my friends. On the other hand, I've had a lot of extra time on my hands and it's been a struggle not to let depression start taking over. I'm ready for this vacation to be over but I'm not ready to go back to work on Tuesday. I really don't like that place.

I've been able to spend a good amount of time with FRD over the past couple of weeks and that's been nice. We saw a really fascinating exhibit at the Museum of Jewish Heritage called "Beyond Swastika and Jim Crow: Jewish Refugee Scholars at Black Colleges." We went to the gym together and worked out a couple of times. We went out for countless dinners and brunches. We spent hours rolling around together in bed, cuddling and talking. We went grocery shopping together. We sat naked warming ourselves in front of the fireplace in his room a couple of times. We spent Christmas and New Years' together. We saw Avatar and A Serious Man. It's been nice. When school and work start again I won't have as much time to hang out with him. That will be okay too. It will be good for us to have a lot of time for ourselves too. And it will be even more exciting when we do get to spend time together.

New Years eve was very nice. Me and FRD hung out with Yaffa and her ex-bf at her apartment in Manhattan. We had dinner, talked, and watched Inglorious Basterds. That wasn't the nice part. The nice part was afterwards when me and FRD went back to Brooklyn. We went to buy firewood for the fireplace in his room and happened to pass the fireworks at Prospect Park at midnight so we stopped and watched fireworks for a few minutes. After we got wood, we went home, had a lovely shower together and sat wet and naked in front of the fireplace and warmed up. Then we drank champagne from the bottle and dribbled it down our chests as it fizzed out of our mouths. It was fun and funny and relaxing and generally nice. We went to Bubby's in Dumbo for brunch in the morning.

I was thinking about 2009 and what are the big things that I've accomplished during the year. I think that my biggest accomplishment was starting grad school and finishing a year of it, doing well, and not letting it overwhelm me too much. Another big accomplishment was being open to a relationship with Kevin and also getting over the relationship with him. I also became a lot more relaxed about sex in general, for better or for worse. I think for better. My next big accomplishment was moving to a more serious thought process about relationships, asking myself what I really want, what's important, what will I compromise on? From here, after deciding that I do really want a long term relationship I made the decision to be more proactive about it and began with going to my neighborhood bar on a regular basis. This past year I went to a bar alone for the first time in my life. That in itself is a big accomplishment. I think that in this past year I have made a little bit of progress in learning to say "no" to others when I don't want to do something. It's something that i will continue to work on. I've also worked out very hard at the gym and have built more muscle over the past year. I'm proud of that accomplishment.

Last year's new years resolutions were having good oral hygiene, being celibate temporarily, and cutting down my refined sugar intake. Over the year I sort of fluctuated with the refined sugar intake and at this point I'm doing okay though it could be better. I went about a month and a half without any sugar at all and now I'm back to eating sugar but I'm still not eating any candy. I'd still like to cut down on my sugar intake a bit. I was celibate for 4 months of last year instead of the six months that I'd originally been aiming for. I'm totally okay with that. The four months of celibacy were good for me in many ways and then when Kevin came along it was time to let go of it. Over the past year, I've also been flaky as far as oral hygeine goes, though in the past couple of months I've been very good about it. I brush twice a day and floss almost every day.

In my next post, I'll write about my resolutions/goals for 2010.

The last couple of days

2009-12-26T15:27:00.000-05:00

The dinner party did go okay. It went well even. It was small and I was the youngest person there and people did comment but it didnt really matter. The hostess was tipsy when we arrived and drunk before the night was over. It wasnt hard to look good relative to how she looked. It was quite fascinating actually, to watch how everyone interacted and how each individual's dysfunctions interacted with other individual's dysfunctions. It was funny and sad and kind of crazy but very entertaining. We left the party at around 10pm and I asked FRD to take me to Long Island and show me the house that he grew up in. So we did that. We got there around 11:30pm and there was lots of cars parked outside the house. They were having a party. I jokingly suggested that we should crash the party. FRD decided to do that while I sat mortified in the car. He knocked on the door and introduced himself and they recognized his name (as they had bought the house from his father) and invited him in and they took photos together in front of their fireplace. I do sort of wish that I had gone in with him. But I was really mortified that he rang someone's bell at 11:30 in the middle of their Christmas eve party. It was a really special evening though. We drove around his old neighborhood and he pointed out certain places and told me stories and memories from his past. He showed me his high school and his elementary school. We stopped at a 7-11 on the way home and I got a slurpee (for sentimental reasons.)

I felt really proud of myself that I got through the dinner party and not only that, but it wasnt so bad and I had fun! FRD told me afterwards that he was really proud to be there with me. He didnt know how nervous I was about letting him down in that respect so it was really nice to hear him tell me that and know that he wasnt saying it just to make me feel good.

Last night I cooked dinner and brought it over to his house and we had dinner and spent the evening together. It was nice and relaxing and felt good to be together. It was really nice for me to have someone to cook for too. I like cooking but I don't like cooking for just myself. I made roasted beets and butternut squash (looked very pretty) and pan fried veggie pancakes (pain in the ass, not doing that again), and salmon stuffed with goat cheese, and apple crisp (yum!!)

It's really strange that we havent had sex. I'm more okay with it than I thought I would be. I feel like there is enough intimacy between us to make up for that. Yet, I don't want to become okay with it. I dont want this to be a norm. I don't want to get too used to it.

I was talking with FRD the other night. I said that if I have kids, I'll never hit them. He believes in spanking. That's a big problem for me. It made me feel so disappointed. For about half an hour I felt like I didnt want to talk to him, like I wanted to pull away from him and not even try. I'm going to forget about that for now because it's not at all relevant right now. Maybe at some point in the future if the relationship move closer to something more serious, I'll bring it up again. There must be a way of compromising.

Dinner party tonight

2009-12-24T16:37:00.000-05:00

I'm going to this dinner party tonight with FRD. I'm nervous. I don't know much about dinner parties and what you're supposed to do and what you're not supposed to do. I don't know anyone who is going to be there. I don't know how to make conversation. I get shy when I'm around lots of people who I dont know. I retreat to my blackberry or to some other thing that I can focus my attention on and pretend like I'm busy so I don't have to interact with people around me. I don't know how to do small talk. And probably I'll be the youngest person there. And probably people will judge me for that. And I'll feel stupid because I don't have all these accomplishments like they probably have and I havent started a company or a charity or an agency. I havent started anything. I'm still in grad school and I'm not in NYU or Colombia or some other impressive sounding school. And I'm nervous that I'll let FRD down. That I'll do something wrong or say something wrong or not say enough or interact enough or sound good enough or look good enough. But I'll try. Here goes. Time to get ready.

Thank goodness for the gym

2009-12-21T22:12:00.000-05:00

Going to the gym and working out for a couple of hours totally changes my mood and mindset. It's absolutely amazing. No matter how shitty and depressed I feel when I start out, I always feel a thousand times better when I'm finished and I'm usually happy. Gym membership is considered a luxury by most people but I think that for me it's a necessity. It's either that or anti-depressants. Actually, gym membership is definitely cheaper for me than meds because I have no health insurance. Plus, I get a lot of other positive effects from working out.

On a totally different note, I hate how insecure I feel about my relationship with FRD. Really. I fucking hate it. I don't always feel insecure but I hate fluctuating between feeling okay and feeling insecure, and also fluctuating between feeling like I dont want to be around him and feeling like I miss him. I hate to flip flop between big feelings like that. It makes me feel crazy and it reminds me of my mother. I just want to feel one way and be able to hold onto that feeling for more than a day. Preferable for much much longer than a day.

It's finally here!

2009-12-21T15:56:00.000-05:00

It's winter break. I've been looking forward to this for over a month. I feel shitty. Didnt do much today. Started cleaning my room. Didnt finish. I dont have food in my apartment. I need to go grocery shopping.

Called FRD to ask him if he wants to go to the gym with me. He didnt answer. I left a message. Called later in the afternoon to tell him that there is caroling tonight because I know he wanted to do that. I hung up before the voicemail picked up. Sent him a txt with the info afterwards. I feel so stupid for calling him so much. I feel like a child. Too into him.

Made a list of everything I want to do over the next two weeks. It's not very long or hard. It's hard to not have a structured day though. I'm starting to feel depressed. It took me a long time to get out of bed. I havent been out of my apartment yet today. But I'm going to the gym soon.

I miss FRD but I feel so self-conscious and vulnerable about missing him. When I'm with him for a while I start feeling like I need my own space. When I'm not with him for a while I start feeling like I want to be with him. It's confusing.

My sister in Denver called and said that she wanted to come visit me now but she checked the ticket prices and they were much too expensive. It would have been nice to see her but also I'm not sure that I would have wanted to see her exactly right now. We talked this morning about my youngest sister. I feel so shitty about my lack of relationship with her. I feel bad. I feel guilty. And yet, when I do talk to her I feel like I do more harm than good. I say the wrong things. I'm too emotionally invested. I'm not at all understanding. I'm relieved that my sister in Denver plans to be in touch with my younger sister more often now. But I feel guilty that I'm not being more supportive of my younger sister. She's such a mess. her life is a mess. I just can't deal with her. All of my social work skills go out the window when I'm on the phone with her.

Almost there...

2009-12-16T10:01:00.000-05:00

I still havent finished my last final paper. It's only about 1/3 of the way done. It's due on Friday. I was planning on working on it last night but I didnt in the end. I went to sleep at 8:30 instead. I was exhausted after a really draining day at work. I can't wait for this week to be over. I can't wait for this semester to be over. I can't wait til I don't have the stress of writing papers hanging over my head and I have time to be with my friends again.

On Monday night I hung out with FRD for a while. It was really nice. We got to talk about a lot of things that were on our minds. I got to talk to him about the things that I have been wanting to talk to him about for the past week. It was a really special night of emotional and physical intimacy.

I realized that my feelings of anxiety about not seeing and communication with FRD enough are not based on reality. It's just anxiety based on my insecurities. Because when I look at the reality, it does not reflect my anxieties. I spent Friday night with FRD and he slept over. I had a couple of phone conversations with him since then. I spent Monday evening with him. So there really isnt a lot of reason for me to feel so anxious based on reality. After thinking about it, I'm feeling a lot more relaxed and more secure and less anxious about this issue.

I've had a couple of really interesting and intense dreams in the past week. I didnt write them down as soon as I woke up because I was so tired. So now I forgot them. I really need to start writing down my dreams again. They always give me such insight about what I'm anxious about in life at the moment.

I hope that once I finish this semester I'll get back to writing more often in my blog again. I don't like how I've been so tired and stressed and busy lately that I can hardly even think about and process my feelings.

One last paper and some whining

2009-12-13T21:13:00.000-05:00

I have this fucking paper to write and I dont want to. I read 7 journal articles and my brain feels numb. I dont want to write about them. It's just a stupid lit review. But I dont want to do it. I'm going to be so stressed out this week until I get it done.

I have a dentist appointment tomorrow morning. Two cavities to be filled. Not looking forward to that.

I wanted to hang out with FRD today. He was busy til the evening but I hoped we could hang out in the evening. But I guess he had other stuff to do cuz he didnt call me. I don't like to only hang out with him once a week. We didnt get real time to talk. We watched a performance. We talked a bit over dinner. But then we got to my place and just cuddled and didnt talk much. And also, theres stuff I want to talk to him about during the week but by the time it's the weekend, I forget it all. And I wish I knew more about his week too. I know he has an important meeting this week. I dont know anything else he's doing. I hate the feeling of disconnectedness from him that I feel during the week. We hardly talk at all for 6 days straight. It's such a difference from how I feel when we are together.

I hate how we're dating but not dating. I hate how I'm his girlfriend but I'm not. I hate how we're committed but we're really not. I hate the ambigousness of it all. It scares me so much. I feel so insecure sometimes. I feel so stupid. I feel so unsure of what I really am to him. Not so much because of his actions or words (those generally make me feel more sure), but because of the reality of the situation right now and my own insecurities.

Sigh. I'm looking forward to hanging out with him on Friday.

I need to stop procrastinating and write this fucking paper.

Photoshoot

2009-12-12T19:31:00.000-05:00

I just had such a fun photoshoot with Andres. He really brought out the silly/crazy in me. I can't wait til he posts some photos! Then me and Andres and his wife and his brother went to DSW and they bought lots of shoes. Then we went to Chinatown and had dinner and they bought some gifts in Chinatown. It was such a fun day. I wish they lived in NYC or at least somewhere closer to NYC. I want to hang out with them more. They're such happy funny people and it's contagious. I laughed and smiled a lot today!

Last night I went to a dance performance with FRD at BAM (http://www.bam.org/view.aspx?pid=1274). It was really cool. Then we went out for dinner. Then we went back to my apartment and snuggled and talked. Then we fell asleep. He left this morning. It was so nice to fall asleep and wake up with him.

There's been some change in the way he thinks about and is handling our relationship. He's okay with some things that I think he wouldnt have been okay with before. I know that after the last meeting with his lawyer he came to some new realizations and that his mindset did change. I know that now his mindset is "my marriage is over, how am I going to handle it so that I have as much control as possible over the ending process?" While I feel a lot more secure that he is coming to terms with his divorce, I realized that I'm still not sure about how and why he changed his mind about how he treats our relationship. I need to ask him about that because I keep feeling insecure and unsure if he is going to freak out after every time we kiss or cuddle. I need to have a better understanding of why it is okay now, what changed. So I'll talk to him about that next time we get together.

The fears

2009-12-09T23:10:00.000-05:00

I keep having this thought...this fear in my mind that he's going to say to me, "I'm sorry but this just isnt working for me." That he thought he really liked me but it's just that he was lacking something in his life and I happened to turn up first. That I'm his rebound. It's a horrible fear to have, especially because we dont see each other every day. We dont even talk every day. I dont even get a text message from him every day.

But I tell myself... he hasnt had sex for three years. He could have had a hundred rebounds by now- but he hasnt. There is something about ME that he likes. There is something in me that he is attracted to. It's not just that I showed up at the right moment. We're not having sex btw. And that's sort of nice too. Very different, very difficult, and really nice. Intimacy comes in many flavors. Sex is only a small part of it.

I also tell myself: So what if I'm his rebound? I have no way of knowing that. He has no way of knowing it at the moment. All I know is that I can definitely be happy living my life with this very special man. So I have to stick around for as long as he is willing to. Maybe it will end in him realizing that I'm a rebound. But maybe it will end in him deciding that I'm his soulmate. In any case, I'm only benefiting from having him as a friend in my life right now. I feel happier, more confident, more energized, more motivated, more hopeful than I've felt in a long time. So I'll keep him in my life for as long as he wants me in his.

Taking inventory

2009-12-08T23:00:00.000-05:00

Oh god, I just want to get through this week and next! I'm so stressed. I need a break. My head hurts.

I will inventory. It will make me feel more in control. A little better.

First. My presentation for casework class. I wrote up a quick description of the case. All I have to do is talk bullshit about it for at least 20 minutes. This is tomorrow. Then it will be over with.

Second. My final paper for casework class. Mostly finished. Another couple of pages of material to add to it. It will take only a couple of hours if I work on it without being distracted. Which never happens. So maybe it will take a bit longer. Due next Wednesday.

Third. My final paper for sexuality class. It's about 3/4 of the way done. I just need to add the description of how it went at that crappy lesbian bar tonight. The bar wasnt crappy. Neither were the lesbians. The night was crappy. I didnt want to be there. I didnt want to be confronting my bi-curiousity. I wanted to be home. In any case, the paper will be written and handed in on Friday, then off my mind forever.

Fourth. My final paper for research class. Damn! I didnt start this one. Due next Friday. This is going to take me some time. I forgot what exactly I'm writing about. Something having to do with the efficacy of mandated parenting classes. I have to start and finish this paper this weekend.

This weekend. Friday night hanging out with FRD. It's nice to have something to look forward to. I love being with him. I can't wait. Saturday the photoshoot with Andres. I bought the blow-up doll today. I can't believe people actually use the thing for real. Fuck it. It's so unattractive. It should make a fun photoshoot though. Hopefully I'll have some time on Saturday to work on my paper. Sunday. Must work on paper!!! Monday. Dentist appointment. Two cavities to be filled. $850 poorer for it. And then I must spend the rest of the day working on my paper.

The gym. I have not been to the gym since Friday. I feel fat. I feel disgusting. I am disgusting. I cheated and ate Oreos today. It didnt satisfy any cravings. It was totally unsatisfying actually. It's really disappointing that sugar doesnt make me feel awesome the way it used to. But anyway, the photoshoot is coming up. I must work out on Thursday and on Friday. Really hard. Because I'm not going to be able to go tomorrow either. I only finish work at 8pm and I have to work on my papers afterward.

FRD left his hat by my apartment. Now it's mine. It has his smell on it. I love it. I keep it in my bed with me. And when I come home from work I put it on and wear it in my room. But not outside. It looks too dorky on me.

Oh god I'm so tired. I gotta go to sleep soon. I miss FRD. I havent seen him in nearly two days. Friday will be here soon. Just gotta get through tomorrow. Thursday is a peice of cake. Then the weekend will be here...

FRD

2009-12-07T11:13:00.000-05:00

I spent a lot of time with FRD this weekend. It kind of just happened that way. I'm very stressed out because I have two papers that are due this week that I have not yet finished. I'm working on those today.

I find that I dont really want to write about what is happening between me and FRD. I dont want to write about the relationship that is developing. I feel like I dont want to share it with anyone. I feel like I dont want to explain it. I want to just experience it. I want to be in the moment.

The outlook has shifted. I see more possibility. It seems more likely. There are now some reasons why it actually might work. It thrills me and scares me at the same time.

Quick update

2009-12-05T10:07:00.000-05:00

Last night I saw Blind Side with FRD. Then we went to the Tea Lounge and cuddled and talked for a few hours. It was really nice. Fuck! I like this guy so much!

I'm stressed because it's the end of the semester and I have three papers to write in the next 10 days. I feel like I dont have the mental energy to process and write about my night last night because I'm so worried about getting papers done. I'm skipping the gym today too. Also my shoulders are hurting a lot.

Also, just so you know, I need to crap very badly but my roommate is in the bathroom taking a shower. I hate when this happens! Thankfully it doesnt happen often.

Yep...that's wassup

2009-12-01T22:43:00.000-05:00

It's the last few weeks of the semester and I have three major papers to write and I only have one of them half way done. I am stressed out!!!

Lucky for me, one of my appointments at work cancelled today and I was able to leave a bit early.

I went out with FRD last night. We went to a sports bar for Monday night football. It was sort of scary. Lots of yelling men. Also I met one of his friends. He was nice and interesting. A principal of an elementary school.

That's it. Going to bed early tonight. Long day tomorrow.

It's all about my mindset

2009-11-30T11:45:00.000-05:00

I want to stop focusing on the negative. I want to be more positive.

Every time I feel afraid or insecure, I want to think of his smile. The way it brightens his entire face. The way it brightens my heart. I want to focus on that feeling instead.

I will do that.

Waking up insecure

2009-11-30T10:11:00.001-05:00

I'm starting to doubt. To doubt myself. To doubt the possibilities.

I feel like I'm chasing after a fantasy. I feel like I'm not being realistic at all.

I have so many fears. I fear this is one-sided. I fear this current situation is not sustainable. I fear I'm not wanted. I fear that if I dont constantly reach out, he'll move on without me, forget about me.

I can't figure out how to navigate the communication. I don't twitter. He doesnt text. I feel like I'm talking to no one. I don't know if I'm supposed to call. I think I'm not. Not daily anyway. I struggle with going to sleep at night, not knowing how his day was, if anything big happened. Not knowing if he's changed, come to any new realizations. I want to be a part of that and I feel shut out.

I don't know if I'm supposed to ask if we can get together. Or am I supposed to just wait for him to ask? But what if he never does?

I wonder if I'm just going to be single my whole life. I wonder if I should just start getting used to that. Start accepting that and stop trying to make things work. Stop trying to be friends when it's obvious that I have bigger hopes.

I dont want to give up this fantasy though. I want to keep those feelings that I experienced. I want them again. I wish that life would be a little kinder to me. I wish that I could figure out a way to do this without feelings so insecure and afraid.

Then I think to myself... I've never set a goal that I wasnt able to reach. If I want something badly enough, I've always been able to get it. So why not now? I havent wanted something this badly in a long time. But this doesnt only depend on me. There's other factors involved that I have no control over. I'm struggling with that- that sense of powerlessness. That feeling that there really isnt much I can do to up the chances of getting what I want. The only thing I can do is to struggle with my fears, to continue to let myself be vulnerable, to take the chances, and to accept whatever he's willing to give at this point. It's so damn hard to do.

Clarity, decisions, and moving forward

2009-11-29T18:42:00.000-05:00

I feel really good today. I feel lucky to have good people in my life. I spent this afternoon with my good friend, Yaffa. I love her to pieces. She is so honest, so supportive, so patient, so awesome. She'll tell me the truth, not just what I want to hear. She doesnt judge me. I couldnt ask for a better friend.

This morning I called professor dude (whom I will refer to as FRD from here on- it's easier) and asked if we can get together to talk. I wanted to be able to have the conversation that we had on Friday evening without me falling apart emotionally. I feel like I wasnt able to truly hear and process everything that he said during that conversation because I was so caught up in my own feelings. I wasnt sure exactly where we stood. I wasnt sure if he wanted me in his life at all, even as a friend. So I wanted to have a conversation with him so that I could clarify all of those things in my head, be sure of how he was feeling, and know where to go from here.

So we did get together. We had a nice short run in the neighborhood first. That was a bonus. Then we talked. In a practical sense, what came out of it is that we are going to be friends for now. For me, this is a big risk because I am very much emotionally invested in him and what I really want is a chance at a relationship with him. So I'm taking the risk of getting hurt for the possibility of the chance to build a relationship with him. His marriage may end up working out. Or maybe the divorce process will stretch out for years. Or maybe he'll meet someone else that he feels is a better fit for him. Or maybe he'll just become disenchanted with me. Or a million other things might happen to prevent me from being able to be in a relationship with him. But I feel like I want to stick around. I feel like I don't have a choice. I cannot let go of even the chance of a life with him. I just cant do it. I know that I will forever wonder and forever regret if I do that. I've lived my life in a way that I have no regrets thus far. I dont want to start regretting things now.

I'm in a place in life where I'm tying up loose ends too. I'm finishing up grad school. Then I have to get my license and a stable job. I'll be finished school in six months. This next six months I will spend getting to know FRD better. I want to be there for him and see how he grows and changes during this turbulent time in his life. I want to be part of that growth and change. I hope that it will change me in a good way too. In a way, it's good that I wont be able to rely on sex and sexuality to build the relationship. Instead we'll talk and share our selves through words. I think that this can create a very strong foundation to build a relationship upon. I can re-evaluate this situation in six months from now and decide what to do then. And anything can happen between now and then too. Things can change in a heartbeat.

I keep thinking how if we can pull this off and if somehow we can get to a point where we are free to have a relationship, how amazing that will be. I think I'll be the happiest woman alive to be able to walk down a street holding his hand. I think how special sex will be with a man that I've waited for for so long- and someone who I've built a beautiful friendship with. I'm trying not to think about these things too much though. I'm trying not to hope too much. I'm trying to just take things week by week. Because I know that this whole thing is so improbable and it has been from the start. It will literally be something like a miracle if I ever get a chance at a relationship with him. I'm hoping for a miracle. These are the times when I almost wish I believed in a god. So I could feel more control over this process. So I could believe that if I pray hard enough then maybe I'm raising the chances of things working out. But I dont believe in god. I believe in randomness. I believe in coincidence. So far, randomness has been kind to me. So maybe I have more random good things in store for me in the future. Only time will tell...

A deep breath

2009-11-28T21:18:00.001-05:00

....and brushing that dirt off my shoulder

standing up and walking... moving forward

always forward... only forward

because nothing ever stopped me

and nothing ever will

sometimes things work out

sometimes they dont

sometimes the thing we think is bad

is really the best thing that ever happened

but we have to wait to find out

so whatever happens, it will be okay

I will be okay

also...

no more crying please

it only gives me headaches

and puffy eyes

So many thoughts, so many questions

2009-11-28T19:19:00.000-05:00

I'm struggling.

Should I really just forget about him?

I don't want to.

But I'm being sort of obsessed, am I not?

I keep asking myself...

Is it possible for one to fall in love and have her heart broken in the same week?

No. I must be crazy. Or immature. Or stupid.

Maybe all of the above.

I fear that he regrets the intimacy that we shared.

It hurts to think that might be so.

I'm sad to think that I caused confusion for him.

I feel selfish. I feel bad.

I got only good feelings out of our short time together.

He got some good... and some bad.

But the big question is

Is it still a possibility?

Or should I stop hoping?

One would think that after I hoped and lost I'd have learned my lesson.

But no.

He's that amazing.

I still want to hope.

But I fear I will lose this one.

Trying to make sense of it all

2009-11-28T14:01:00.000-05:00

I was thinking...

At the end of the day, professor dude feels how he feels. He can't change that. Or he shouldnt. Because he's trying to be an ethical person and do what he feels is right and honest. I wouldnt try to change that either.

So maybe I'm losing a chance at a really special guy. But if he would have been willing to build a relationship with me despite his feelings, it likely wouldnt have been a good thing anyways. He would have always had a nagging feeling that he was doing the wrong thing. He would have always had negative feelings associated with the relationship in the back of his mind. It would have been a big issue eventually. So better that it's taken care of now. Maybe he'll always associate me with something that he feels he did wrong. Maybe I'll never have a chance even after he does finalize the divorce. Maybe it wont even be relevant anymore.

And honestly, I dont know if he really is sure about how he feels about his wife and the divorce. I'm not sure he really knows what he wants to do about it.

But godamnit! Why can't things be simpler? Why can't he be an amazing guy and NOT in the middle of a failed marriage/divorce?! Why can't I meet a guy like that?

Dreams and reality

2009-11-28T10:54:00.000-05:00

Also, I had a dream last night. My father was in it. He was coming after me. There was more details. My sisters where in my dream too. I dont feel like trying to remember it all.

I ran into my neighbor's house. He ran after me. I tried to lock the door but he pushed it open. I ran upstairs into a bedroom and he followed me, tried to push the door open. I was yelling, "help! help!" but my voice wasnt working and I couldnt get the sound out. No one came to help me.

Then he was gone. There was pizza at my neighbor's house. But it all had meat on it and I couldnt eat it. I ate chocolate chip cookies even though they have sugar in it and I wasnt supposed to.

Last night I was going to eat apple pie with professor dude. I decided that I was going to make an exception to my no sugar diet. I was looking forward to "cheating." But it didnt happen. Today, I feel like, "fuck the whole sugar-free thing." I dont care. I want to go buy lots of sugary things and eat them all. Maybe I'm in a self destructive mood right now.

Selfishly wanting more

2009-11-28T10:45:00.000-05:00

I'm still in bed at 10:30 because I'm having a hard time motivating myself to get out of it. I dont want to do anything today. I dont want to do my school work or go to gym or eat or get dressed.

I wish I had woken up in professor dude's bed this morning. I feel so selfish for wishing that. It didnt work for him. He was feeling really shitty because of the nature of our interactions. And yet, I still want him like that. I know I shouldnt be so selfish. It's not about me right now.

It was only a brief week of knowing him and still it's so hard to let go. At least as hard as it was to let go of Kevin who I dated for 5 months. I had a not very long lasting but strong sense of safety and security with professor dude- those feelings that I crave so much. Then those feelings were gone in a matter of minutes. Now it feels like my whole being is crying out for it, wants to do anything to get it back. But there's nothing to do. It's just the way it is.

I dont know what to do with myself. I feel miserable.

I don't want to go to the bar anymore. I'm tired of putting myself out there. I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of feeling shitty. I just want to be okay with being on my own.

I dare not

2009-11-27T21:21:00.000-05:00

I don't want to write this post. I don't want to deal with reality right now.

I got together with professor dude tonight. We talked. He told me that we cant do this. We cant have this intimacy. We cant have the kind of intimate relationship that he feels like he needs to hide from the world. It makes him feel like a bad person. That and some other things. I really respect that about him. That despite the fact that he wants me in his life so badly, he is denying himself that in order to do what he feels is the right thing. He's being true to himself and honest with the world. I can't help but respect that.

And so, that's that. I left. I went home. I'm very very sad.

I guess I shouldnt have hoped.

New developments

2009-11-27T17:01:00.000-05:00

I'm supposed to be doing schoolwork right now but instead I'm thinking about professor dude.

So Wednesday night when I was with him at the bar, he invited me over for Thanksgiving. I went. We had a really nice time together. Really intimate. Intimate conversation. Honest conversation. Open conversation. Real conversation. And after dinner we cuddled. We didnt have sex. It was just really nice and intimate time together. I spent the night. He said we werent going to have sex and we didnt. I was really impressed and felt so good and so safe that he made that promise and then stuck to it.

I really like this guy. Not just like. I'm so impressed. I'm so honored to know him. One thing that amazes me about him is that I have never met anyone of his age who is so open to changing himself, bettering himself, and growing as a person. It makes me feel like I want to be a better person myself. He is 44 years old. I know that isnt perfectly socially acceptable. I know that some people might talk or make assumptions if I were to be in a relationship with him. He also is in the middle of a divorce. I cant get heavily involved with him until that is final.

He's so kind. So good. So real. So compassionate. So expressive. So intelligent. Such a beautiful person and makes me feel like one too. Inside and out.

All these things scare the hell out of me. I dont have a million bad things to say about him like I always do about every man I meet. The only thing that concerns me is that he's religious. And I'm not even focusing on that right now. I feel sort of like how I felt when I first met Paul. Like an instant connection. Like something inside of me is alive again. Some part of me that wants to grow and be better and more beautiful and connect with the same process that is happening in my partner. I want to nurture and be nurtured. I want to challenge and be challenged. I want to inspire and be inspired. And I want all that with him.

I havent even told professor dude that I like him like that. I'm scared. I feel like I'm crazy. How can I feel like this? I only met him a week ago. This whole thing is so improbable. Why would I set myself up like this? And yet, I hope. I dont know exactly what I hope. Or maybe I do. I dont think I can admit it. It's too scary to hope. Dare I? I keep thinking, am I good enough? I'm a little 24 year old punk. Could he really like me enough to want me like that? I have 20 years less experience than him, 20 years less of knowledge. I'm not established yet- in any part of my life. Can I really be more than a passing excitement for him? Dare I hope? Dare I try?

Thanksgiving morning

2009-11-26T10:58:00.000-05:00

I got up early this morning and went to the gym. It wasnt really a good plan. I'm not a morning person. I have the most energy at night. My body literally doesnt start functioning so early in the morning. My digestive system isnt up and running, yet I have to eat something before I work out. I managed to eat a plain yogurt, a piece of toast with peanut butter, and an apple. It was not easy. I felt like throwing up.

On the subway this morning there was so many parents and grandparents and children. Seeing families together gave me a weird yucky feeling. It's something about today, Thanksgiving. The way that it's a "family holiday". Maybe it reminds me of family holidays when I was growing up. Maybe it reminds me of my parents. I dont really know. It was definitely bringing up bad feelings for me though.

The streets were so empty. Weirdly empty. There was hardly any cars on Eastern Parkway. Practically no cars on Fulton St. It was so quiet. I could hear my footsteps. It was kind of nice. It felt spacious- in a physical sense and also in a psychological sense. It was nice and calm and slow and it made me feel that way too.

I did a half-assed workout. Actually, I dont think what I did even qualifies as a half-assed workout. It was frustrating. My body was just not cooperating. I felt tired and my muscles felt like deadweight. They were not listening to what I was telling them to do. I wanted to lay down and rest the entire time. The music seemed so loud to me, it was painful. I asked them to turn it down. The lights were too bright. It was too much sensory stimulation for the morning. Next time I'm not going to bother going to the gym so early. It's really a waste of time for me.

I love smart people!

2009-11-25T23:59:00.000-05:00

I've come to the conclusion that intelligent stimulating conversation with intelligent good people is pretty much as satisfying as sex. I'm not saying I'd ever take it as a replacement, I'm just saying it's that good. It's sort of like an orgasm in my brain.

So I went to the bar tonight. I told professor dude I'd meet him there and help him figure out some Flickr stuff. We spent a little bit of time on that. Then on to the good conversation! Then a politician guy came and joined the conversation. I forgot his name, but he just ran (and lost) for a city level position- maybe city council. In any case, he was a really interesting guy with a lot of interesting ideas and seemed to be an idealist and do-gooder- which of course I love. I love good people and people who do good things.

Then professor dude told me that a woman who was sitting at the bar was a social worker. So I went over and talked to her for a few minutes. She went to Columbia and works in an employee assistance program. Not at all the kind of work I'm interested in but she had a lot of general knowledge of the field and it was good to talk with her. She has a wicked sense of humor too. The sarcastic type. I like it. I forgot her name too. I'm terrible with names. I think it began with a C though. Oh yes, and also I met a guy who recognized me from the gym. I forgot his name (of course) but I do remember that he had a little hanging earing in each ear. I told him to say hi to me next time he sees me in the gym. I told him that I wont recognize him. I'm bad with remembering faces too.

So it was an overall fun night. I dont have any work or school til Tuesday. Hooraaaaaay!!! I'm getting up super early to go to the gym tomorrow morning so I must go to sleep right now.

But one last thing... I'm in a good mood tonight. Just thought I would say that because I'm so often bitching about things or writing long depressing negative entries. Tonight I'm happy though. Good conversation, good people, and I'm happy we're finally at Thanksgiving because it feels like the rest of school is going to fly by from here. Christmas will be here before I know it. Then it's just one more semester and I'll be done! The enormity of that and the thoughts and feelings I have about it are so numerous and near overwhelming. I think it needs its own post. But not tonight.

drool

2009-11-25T09:49:00.001-05:00

Its not even 10 am and I'm in class listening to an incredibly boring presentation. It was really hard to get out of bed this mrning. Now, the important part of this post...
There's a guy in this class, black, short/shaved hair, muscular/fit. Okay, so you know where I'm going with this...
He reminds me of kevin and all I want to do right now is jump him. He is maybe a bit shorter than kevin but has a similar look and build. And he's wearing gym clothes and sneakers- the kind of clothes that kevin always wears.anyway, he's probably gay.

Its weird. Ever since kevin I keep on being attracted to anyone who looks similar to him. It used to be that I was never attracted to men on a purely physical level. I guess that hasn't really changed- I'm really associating certain emotions and feelings with a certain body type and its the feelings that I want again. The good ones.

What a day...

2009-11-24T22:05:00.000-05:00

I had a difficult time this evening with one of the families that I'm working with. I tried to write a post about it but it got too long and too complicated and I got frustrated trying to get it all out. I feel like a failure because of what happened. I feel like I'm not a good enough social worker. I feel disappointed in myself. Working with this family is so difficult and so emotionally draining for me.

My shoulders have been throbbing the whole day. I skipped the gym tonight. I went to the bar instead. And wrote this. And had pita and hummus and olives. It wasnt that exciting but at least I'm not starving anymore. I'm spending too much money at this damn bar.

The awesome thing is that I dont have work again until Tuesday. But I do have school bright and early tomorrow morning.

Another entry about anxiety...

2009-11-23T12:35:00.000-05:00

I feel so on edge and anxious today. I don't know why. I'm at Connecticut Muffin and trying to do school work but I keep on getting distracted or just procrastinating. I'm tired and I want to put my head down on the table and just sleep. I didnt eat eggs this morning for breakfast like I was supposed to because I feel so grossed out by eggs at this point. I dont want to eat any protien today at all. I feel naseous. That's probably the anxiety. My stomach hurts. That's anxiety too. My muscles feel tense and tingly. Another symptom of anxiety...

Maybe it's because that guy who asked me out is here and working now and it makes me nervous. Maybe it's because I have so much school work and I'm not getting it done and it's stressing me out. Maybe it's because tomorrow I have to go and do a stupid sexual abuse awareness program for two kindergarden classes in the Bronx and I dont want to do it and I dont feel ready to do it. I don't know. I just feel really shitty right now.

Ahh, fuck it!

2009-11-22T19:09:00.000-05:00

Okay, I decided that I'm going to not censor myself and instead I'm going to write about last night's events at the bar.

So I'm there chilling. Good and interesting conversation with a nice waiter. Different guy comes in and joins the conversation. He's really interesting and intelligent himself. A professor at NYU Polytechnic actually. Waiter leaves the conversation and I continue conversing with the other guy while he eats his pork chop. (I think that's what it was.) Then another guy comes in and sits down on the other side of me. Me and professor dude are talking about stuff and somehow the topic of social networking online comes up. I say I have a blog. He says he has a blog. We talk about what kind of blogs we write. It's cool. He gives me his blog address. I'm about to give him mine and the guy that walked in and sat on the other side of me says something like, "I'm so sorry, I dont mean to interupt, but I heard you said you have a blog, can I have the website?" Well, there wasnt really a tactful way for me to refuse so I gave it to him. He kept apologizing for interupting and saying he was sorry and he hoped it was okay for him to ask etc etc. (I definitely need to learn to be more assertive in situations like this!) After a bit, professor dude left. I start reading my book. I can feel that Mr. Apologetic is looking at me intensely and he keeps looking away and then doing it again. Finally (after apologizing for interupting), he says something about my necklace. Then he basically starts talking and hijacks me for the next 20 minutes. I try to make it clear that I dont want to talk and that I want to continue reading but he doesnt really get it. He alternates between telling me how interesting and intelligent and beautiful etc etc I am and asking me where I live and how old am I and oh, he's 31, only 7 years older than me so it's okay (Yay! Let's get married!!) and apologizing for interrupting and apologizing for talking to me and apologizing for asking me for my blog and he hopes it's okay blah blah blah. I just keep reassuring him that it's okay, even though it's not okay at all and I wish he was sitting at the opposite side of the bar, talking to someone else. So before he leaves the bar, he slips me this folded piece of paper and tells me, yknow, it's cool if I want to email him, no big deal, yknow? I look at the paper after he's gone and it has his name and contact info and it says on the bottom "My Pleasure". Yeesh!

So originally I was thinking that I can't write this story on here because the guy might read it and he'll feel bad and I dont want to make him feel bad. He's not a bad person and honestly I feel a lot of compassion for him. It's obvious that he has a pretty low self-esteem. He must have lived through some shitty stuff to come out with the personality that he has. But the thing is that I don't really know him and I might or might not bump into him again and most importantly I need to be able to write what I want on here. Also, the cool professor dude read the first posting about how I was annoyed that I had to censor myself and thought I was referring to him. I felt really bad about that. Then I had to join twitter today just to tell him that I think he's a great guy and I wasnt talking about him. Now I have to take care of deleting the twitter account. So then I realized that instead of going through this sillyness, I could have just been open from the begining. What a novel idea!

Ok, so that's that.

Today when I was at Connecticut Muffin, I got a date request from one of the guys who works there. It was strange. I was sitting near the door and he stopped and commented on the book I was reading. We ended up talking for a few minutes about literature and Brooklyn and living in NYC and school and life. He was a nice guy. I thought we were just talking. So then I was totally taken aback when he asked if we can "hang out and get coffee or something." I played it cool and said sure, let me give you my number and you can call me so I'll have your number. Then I said that I'll see him around and we can figure something out. So, the guy is nice and obviously intelligent enough to have an enjoyable conversation with. Therefore, I feel like I should give him a chance. But I really did not want to give him my number because of totally superficial reasons. I wasnt attracted to him; he's white. Also, he looks really young. Probably even younger than me. That's a huge turn-off for me. But he wasnt an ass and he was actually very nice and intelligent so I didnt think it would be fair of me to reject him based on his age or color of his skin. I swear, I feel like such a racist sometimes! But I really feel more comfortable dating Black guys. And I generally connect a lot better with guys in their 30's and 40's than guys in their 20's. Anyway, when all is said and done, it looks like I'll be going on a coffee date with this guy eventually.

Thankful I wasnt shaken

2009-11-22T13:40:00.000-05:00

There was something I was thinking about a few days ago that I forgot to post. But it's important so I'm writing about it now. Last week the program manager of an agency (http://www.healthsolutions.org/sids/) that works to prevent Sudden Unexplained Infant Death came to speak at the agency where I work at. It was very interesting and informative and I definitely learned information that I hadnt known before. Besides for SUID and SIDS, she also spoke about Shaken Baby Syndrome. She talked about how it occurs and what the symptoms are and what happens to the baby. Basically, it causes horrible brain damage and most babies die in infanthood or childhood. She said that she's seen photos of what an shaken infant's brain looks like and it looks like the brain has been torn apart into pieces. She showed us some photos. It was pretty horrible.

After the presentation I was thinking how lucky I am that I was never shaken as a baby. A lot of parents who shake their babies do it because they're frustrated that the baby won't stop crying. My parents would hit us, even as infants, to get us to stop crying and go to sleep. That's bad enough and I'm sure that it caused lasting cognitive/biological/psychological damage. But I feel really lucky that it was only that and we werent shaken. Because then I'd most likely be dead by now.

Another night at the bar

2009-11-21T23:29:00.000-05:00

So I went to the bar tonight. Had a nice time. Good conversation with a few new people. I'm a little annoyed about something that happened tonight but I can't write about it. That's why I'm annoyed. This is the problem when people I know in real life can read my blog. I can't write everything I want to. It's frustrating because this is supposed to be my diary- my place to write whatever I want. But now I have to worry about hurting someone's feelings. I hate having to censor myself on my own blog.

Early to bed, Bad dream

2009-11-20T23:24:00.002-05:00

I was so tired tonight. I got into bed and fell asleep early. An now less than two hours later I'm awake after a bad dream and I have a weird headache in the back of my head. Is this what happens when one goes to sleep early?

In my dream there was my parents and Kevin. Kevin was getting a new job somewhere and he needed an employer referral letter. It happened that he worked for my father before. I somehow became the one to write the reference letter. It was hard and time consuming but I wanted it to look good. Then it was a scene on a suburban street- I think the one I grew up on. It was at night. There was people walking on the street and arguing with each other. There was something scary about the night. I was swinging by a rope from a tree. Some guy was trying to make me fall and catch the rope. I was yelling, "HELP! HELP!"

Then I was back inside working on that referall letter. Then it was late at night and I stopped working on it midsentence because I was tired. I remember thinking to myself , "I can't believe I'm workingso hard on this thing for Kevin. We're not even talking to each other anymore." My mother was around and she read it. She said it was good. I told her that it was unfinished and the last sentence I was going to delete because it was stupid and I was tired when I wrote it. I told her that I wanted to go show it to my father. She said not to because he was going to sleep. Then my father called from another room, "Ok, I'm ready for bed." My mother went out to the steps- It was the steps leading to the second floor in the house that I grew up in. We were on the second floor and my father was on the first floor. I went and passed the papers to him through the bars. He read the papers. I tried to explain why I wrote certain things but he didnt listen to me. Also, I think at this point he looked like a heavy black woman. But it was my father. Then we had a big disagreement over whether I should include information about how long Kevin worked for him. My father said it was irrelevant. I tried to explain how it was important because employers usually wanted to know if it was someone who changed jobs a lot or if it was someone who had one job in their 20's and now was moving on to a different job in their 40's. I said that Kevin was basically doing that. But my father didnt listen to anything I said and I got frustrated so I decided to leave and let my father and mother go to sleep. I went out into the hallway and there were these neighbors with lots of kids and a bunch of them were mentally retarded or downs syndrome and I kept having to go past them in the hall and say, "excuse me hon" and gently move them aside so I could pass. The kids were waiting by the door of the building and their mother was telling them when to go out because the father had this vehicle with a big white bin attached to the front that looked like the big bins that they use at my gym for the laundry. The kids had to go into the bin a few at a time and he shuttled them over to a different house that was theirs too because thats where the food was for their dinner. A kid was complaining about what there was to eat and another one about how she had to wait so long to get into the bin.

So I finally made it out and I got into the car. It was a big tan van- the one that my family had when I was a kid. I think that at that point my parents were on a trip somewhere and told me I could use the car while they were gone. I started driving in the van but I was in the second bench in the back, playing around and taking my shoes off. Then it occured to me that I should go sit in the front and drive. I made it to the front and the van was going fast and around some turns- it was a road that I recognized like de ja vu, I knew I'd been there before. Either from a different dream or maybe it was the roads on the way to school in Baltimore. Anyway, I was in the front passenger seat, reaching over and trying to steer and things felt like they were getting out of control, the steering just felt really hard. I got into the drivers seat. The road was very twisty and turny. I jammed my foot on the pedals, first one and then the other because I wasnt sure which was the break. It didnt seem like there was any response at all. I kept turning the wheel all the way because there was sharp turns but it didnt seem like the steering was working either. I almost hit lots of people and other cars but I missed them somehow. I wondered if maybe there was a setting on the car that switched on that prevented me from being able to use the breaks, accelerator, and steering and maybe I didnt know about it so I didnt switch it off. Then finally things got totally out of control after a series of twists and turns and downhill acceleration that I couldnt stop. I went off the road and through some woods and ended up crashing into a lake- it was the lake of a cemetery, the one in Baltimore that I used to go and feed the ducks there when I was growing up. But it looked different because it was a beach too.

I walked out of the lake and I was dripping wet. I walked back to the street because somehow that's where the van was. There was a state trooper standing near it, wearing that khaki and green uniform. There was another men too who was out of his car and standing near the trooper. I thought to myself, I hope no one got hurt. I thought, I need to ask the trooper if I hurt anyone. Then I thought, no, I shouldnt ask if I hurt anyone because it may sound like I was trying to hurt someone. I should ask if anyone got hurt.

Then I woke up. I feel a little ill now. My stomach feels funny/bad. My head hurts. The first thing I wanted to do when I woke up was text Kevin, "I can't believe I'm working so hard on this for you!" I almost texted him that. Then I realized it was a dream.

Gotta have more protien!

2009-11-19T22:45:00.000-05:00

At the gym today I was talking with Marcos, one of the personal trainers. The only one that I trust actually. So he said that in order for me to get six-pack abs, I need to definetely be taking in more protien than I am right now. He said that I need at least half a gram of protein per pound that I weigh. That means I need close to 65 grams of protien per day. That's a lot. When I did some research on how much protien I need, I found that most calculations for someone of my weight who does the amount of weight/resistance training that I do were about 75-90 grams of protien per day! Holy shit! I dont know if I can manage that. That means that basically all I'll be eating all day is protien. The good thing is that I have these Tofurky sausages that are 29 grams of protien each. So if I eat two of those every day and then have two eggs for dinner or for breakfast, along with my regular daily intake of dairy (like yogurt or cheese) then I'm pretty much getting the amount of protien that I need. Also the eggs and dairy are complete protiens, so that's good. It feels really difficult to eat a lot of protien because it means that 2/3 of my daily calories end up coming from protien and I dont have enough room in my diet to eat other things that I like more. I ate three eggs tonight for dinner. I don't like eggs and they make my stomach hurt and theyre really hard for me to digest. But it's protien. Sigh. The things I'll do for the sake of vanity...

Also, Kevin arrived at the gym after I started my workout today. We worked out in the same room for a few minutes and totally ignored each other. It was fine. It didnt mess up my workout and I stayed focused. I really couldnt care less. I'm glad it's turning out to be okay because we will be seeing each other around on a regular basis and I don't want it to affect my workout in the slightest way.

I'm going to planned parenthood tomorrow morning to get a new prescription for birth control. I hate the planned parenthood in Brooklyn. It feels like being in a Medicaid office. The admin staff treats people like they are dirt and I always have to wait a minimum of an hour after I get there before I'm seen. My appointment is at 8:45 am and I'm hoping I'll be out of there by 10 am. Hopefully I'll be lucky.

I feel all stressed and overwhelmed tonight and I'm not sure about what. Things are definitely stressful at work. Also I have a few papers that I absolutely must get started on. Theyre all due within the next month. Yikes! It feels like something else is on my mind though and I dont know why I cant figure it out. Hopefully I'll get a lot of work done this weekend and go into next week feeling much less stressed.

Back to the bar

2009-11-18T00:12:00.000-05:00

I emailed Kevin last night that I think it's best if we're not friends. He emailed back, "K." No I'm sorry, doesnt act like he gives a shit at all. Ass.

Anyway. I skipped the gym today because both of my shoulders were in serious pain throughout most of the day today and I wasnt feeling so great. Not a sore muscle but actual pains. I'm doing a lot of pull ups lately and I think its getting to be too much for my shoulders.

I went to bar instead and had a fine time talking to this older guy that I talked to last time I was there too. Hung out at the bar for a few hours and then came home. I think that when the bar is full, like it was tonight, I have an expectation that a guy will try to pick me up. If it doesnt happen then I feel disappointed. But the truth is that I need to be able to go to the bar and have fun regardless of whether a guy tries to pick me up. And I dont need to be interested in every guy that tries to pick me up either. And also I was thinking how I really didnt look my best tonight. I went straight from work after a long day. I looked a little frazzled and tired out. I was wearing professional conservative looking clothes which dont look bad but dont either show off my body. But maybe it's better that way if I dont look all sexy because then if someone comes up to me it wont only be because of how I look. On the other hand I feel like on a night like tonight, if I'm in the bar and lots of guys are there but no one comes up to me then I guess I'm not beautiful unless I make an effort to be.

Crazy fucking night

2009-11-16T23:22:00.000-05:00

I just had such a crazy couple of hours. It was like, my day went fine and even my evening and then all the sudden everything got out of control and blew up!

I went to the dentist and got the tooth filled. Great. Got that over with. I went to a cafe and finished up a peice of schoolwork that I've been procrastinating forever. Wonderful. I met up with Kevin and we walked and talked for a couple of hours. Nice. I went to the gym and worked out really hard and did a spinning class. Kick-ass.

And then right before I finished my workout, Erin walked into the room. I looked at her and I noticed that she is skinnier than I had originally thought she was. Then the thought popped into my head that there's a different girl who I havent seen at the gym for a while. This other girl is tall, obviously anorexic, extremely bony. She would run on the treadmill for hours. Erin is tall and skinny- but not anorexically skinny. But anyway, for whatever reason I remembered this other girl right after I saw Erin.

When I finished my workout I texted Kevin that I wonder what's up with that anorexic girl and that I hope she didnt die. He asked me what made me think about her. I answered- "Cuz I saw your skinny chicka tonight :)" I was answering his question honestly. I obviously value being skinny- I think it's a compliment. And I definitely wasnt implying that Erin is too skinny or has an eating disorder. But Kevin was all- "oh, can I tell her you said that?" I said, "Why would you do that?!" I don't know how she would react- maybe it would hurt her feelings. Maybe she would think that I'm implying something negative about her. So we ended up going back and forth until I made it clear that I really was just answering his question honestly and he should take my answer at face value because that's how I put it out there. And then he texts me, "Good. Cuz I dont want you guys trading insults." Oh man, I was LIVID! I was so insulted that he thought that I was sniping at her, that I would even be the kind of person who would do that kind of thing! Like an immature high school drama queen! And I texted him how angry I was and I told him that right now I like Erin more than I like him! So he says, "So now ur her best friend. I'll get her thoughts on that too." I was SO mad! He asked me a question, I foolishly answered honestly because like an idiot I think that if I'm honest then people will accept my answers in the spirit that I give them, he totally insults me and makes out like I'm some stupid immature teenager, I tell him I'm insulted, and he STILL doesnt listen to a thing I say and continues to misconstrue my words and be an ass! I was pissed!! And then I'm leaving the gym and walking down the block and looking at my blackberry, and who do I meet up with? Kevin! The last person in the world that I want to see! He's noticed me first and says, "oh!" I look up at him and I can't say a word, I'm just so angry. I stopped, looked at him, and then walked right past him and got on the train. If he didnt quite get how upset I was before, he definitely gets it now.

Then something happened on the train on the way home that was so upsetting. I cant even write it down, I just want to let it go. But the gist of it was that a teenage girl was being really mean and disgusting and harassing an middle aged guy who was wearing a kippah and likely mentally ill judging by his smell and the amount of dirt on his clothes. She was verbally and physically trying to intimidate him. While this went on, everyone in the train watched. And some people chuckled! Adults! FUCKING ADULTS!! They laughed! So after a minute of watching her kick the guy's bag and yell in his face and make fun of him and try to grab his bag away from him I finally said something to her and ended up having a verbal argument with her. It was shitty. She was mean and said mean things but whatever. She left the guy alone after that. But I was SO SO mad. No one spoke up!! Adults laughed!! What the fuck?!! And then when I got off the train a woman said to me, "I hope you dont think that all Black people are like that." I was so fucking disappointed. So now it was a race thing? She thinks I spoke up because he was white and I'm white? That I'm just standing up for someone from my own race? Damn, if she only knew how hard it is for me to stand up for an orthodox Jew! I have very little love for them as a people in general. BUT, each one of them is a human- just like every other human on this planet. And that guy could have been black or white or purple or green- it would not have mattered to me. I still would have spoken up.

And that has been my really lousy night. Now I'm going to brush and floss and go to sleep. I need today to end before it gets any worse.

Dentist Update

2009-11-16T12:14:00.000-05:00

I went to the dentist this morning and got one cavity filled. I'm going back in another month to get the next two filled. I was going to find a different dentist that isnt as expensive but I decided to stick with this dentist because I'm only going to get these three cavities taken care of right now. The dentist said that the other 8 cavities are only begining to erode the teeth now and they are not all the way through the enamel yet. He gave me a prescription for a fluoride paste and said that if I continue to take good care of my teeth and floss every day and use the flouride paste once a day then I can probably stop the decay process or at least significantly slow it down. He said that I'll have to take care of it eventually because the damage isnt reversible but I can even put it off for a few years if I take good care of my teeth now. I'm very relieved that I'll "only" be spending $1200 on my teeth for now.

Mid-20's Crisis

2009-11-15T19:59:00.000-05:00

Last night when I was laying in bed trying to fall asleep, I had a terrible thought. Many terrible thoughts actually. I was thinking about my sister and how it was her birthday a few days ago and she turned 31. Thirty one seems like a very old age to me. Before I know it, she'll be 40. Forty seems ancient to me. Not just ancient, but like the person has already reached their peak and now it'll be downhill to death. Then I was thinking about how she'll be 40 before I know it and when she's 40 I'm going to be 33. I don't want to be 33. That's such a scary thought to me. I always want to be in my low 20's. I'm afraid of turning 25 next summer. It's like I'm on my way to death and there's no turning back. It's such a scary thought. Not death itself but that maybe I won't have a chance to do what I want to do with my life before I die. Maybe I won't find a special man and build an amazing relationship and life together with him like I want to. Maybe I'll be 33 and still single. The thought of that makes me want to cry. Then I was thinking of all of my good friends in New York. They're all older than me. Yaffa, Isha, Jahaira, Ned, Aya... chances are that they'll all die before me. And my sister too. What am I going to do without all of my friends? What am I going to do without my sister? And even my friends who are more peripheral friends, friends who I dont spend a lot of time with but who are special to me- they're all older than me too. My friend Sherry that I met in Nepal and lives in Denver. Kevin, for better or worse, someone who means a lot to me. Pat, my online friend for a couple of years now.

I know I'm young and I have my life to live and it doesnt help to worry about these things. But I am worried. I'm a little bit freaking out about it even. It feels like so much loss that I'll have to deal with in the future. It seems so scary. And the thought of not finding a special someone to spend my life with scares me just as much.

Comments

2009-11-14T21:10:00.000-05:00

Just a short note to say that I've had to change the way comments work on here. I will now be moderating them. It just means that I have to approve all comments before they get posted. I decided to switch to this way of doing it because I've been getting a bunch of spam comments in the past week or so. As before though, comments are generally welcome and appreciated.

One year anniversary

2009-11-14T21:01:00.000-05:00

My first blog post was on November 15, 2008. This post completes one year of blogging for me. Over 200 postings. It's amazing what a helpful tool my blog has been and continues to be for me. A place to vent. A place to express myself and my ideas. A place to reflect. A place to analyze. A place to receive feedback.

This blog was such a random unplanned thing for me and I'm so happy about how it turned out. I created this blog after my camera was lost/stolen at the gym. I was using photography as my primary outlet for expression at the time and the loss of my camera felt really devastating. I didnt even have any way of expressing my feelings about it. So I started my blog. And even when I replaced my camera, I continued my blog. It was hard in the beginning. It felt so self-centered and narcissistic. I struggled with feeling stupid and undeserving and unimportant. I thought to myself, "what makes you so special that your feelings even matter enough to publish them in a blog?" I got sick of myself. I got sick of my blog. Numerous times. But I still kept writing and eventually I started seeing my blog as my diary, my special place for myself. I realized that it didnt matter what anyone thought of me or my blog. I only had to accept myself and give myself validation. I'm really proud of myself that I stuck with it and completed an entire year of blogging. There were some months that I hardly posted anything and others that I posted a lot. But I never stopped posting entirely.

Lately I've been going back and reading a few posts here and there. It's hard to recognize progress over the last year because I'm seeing the trees instead of the forest. I havent found a way to step back and look at the blog in a more overall way. I also wonder how the blog itself has changed over the past year. My writing style, what I write about, how open I am, etc. It's also hard for me to judge that.

I still want to put my blog into a book format but every time I tried it through Blurb, I got an error message. Eventually I'm going to do it though. I would like to have a tangible object that I can pick up and flip through. I'd like to be able to hold a year of my life in my hands.

Update

2009-11-13T23:21:00.000-05:00

Havent really felt like writing much in my blog this week. It's been stressful at work, stressful at school, and busy in general. I've had little thoughts here and there that I wanted to write down but never did or I didnt feel like it was enough to post about.

It occurred to me earlier tonight that I was horny. It's something that I somehow forgot about this week. It was over a week since I masturbated. It simply wasnt on my mind. Anyway, I took care of that.

I'm doing okay without sugar. I'm not craving it so often and when I walk past stores and bakeries with sugary stuff in the windows I dont have major cravings anymore. I'm okay with just walking past without a second thought. I didnt buy any sweet potatoes this week or baby carrots. I decided to buy a lot of yummy fruit but I think I went overboard. I bought a pineapple and apples and pears and grapefruit. I cut up the pineapple and cooked half of it with a few chopped apples and pears. Kind of made an apple-pear-pineapple sauce. I ate about a cup of that. It is SO sweet! It's like the fruits get ten times sweeter when I cook them down. I ate some of the pineapple fresh too. I feel so jittery now and my head feels heavy like I'm getting a sugar headache. It's amazing to me that after barely two weeks, my body is so sensitive to sugar overload. And it's not even the kind of sugar that I usually am taking in- it's only fructose.

I didnt go to the gym today. I only had one pair of gym pants left and they only went a little past my knee. I didnt want to wear them because my legs are so hairy and I dont want to shave. I needed to do laundry really badly so I did that instead. 4 loads! Now I have lots of gym clothes. I didnt skip any days at the gym for nearly 2 weeks and I really stepped up my routine in the last week or so. I've been very very sore and still am- especially my upper body but also my abs, hamstrings, and glutes. I've been running a lot. So maybe it was good to give my body a little break today. But I feel kind of bad every time I skip a day and I feel guilty about everything I ate today- and I ate a lot! I'm sure that I'll get fat from doing this and that my fitness level will decrease. Skipping workouts makes me feel ashamed and guilty and bad.

I want to talk about stuff at work briefly. There's a guy who I'm doing therapy with that always says "Ladies first" to me, every time before we enter a room together. It annoys the hell out of me. If a guy I dated said that to me, I'd go off on him. It feels so sexist and condescending to me. With my client, I just ignore it. But I really hate it. Then there's this other client, a Black dad who is starting visits with his son. He always calls me "ma'am". Everything I say he responds, "yes, ma'am." I hate it. It makes me feel like an oppressor. It makes me feel like a bad person. It feels like a weird power dynamic, like he is treating me as this powerful person and "yes ma'am"-ing me because he sees himself as just someone who has to cooperate with the system. I always encourage my clients to fight the system, to be a thorn in its side, to be assertive and not let it beat them down. I join my clients in their resistance. It feels uncomfortable for me with this guy because when he talks to me, I feel like I'm PART of the system. I really dont like the feeling.

Strange conversation

2009-11-12T22:15:00.000-05:00

When Kevin and I were hanging out on Monday he mentioned to me that Erin is going to volunteer in Africa. I asked him for how long and he said for 10 days. I said, "Oh." but I said it in a really snotty way, like I was snubbing her and didnt think that 10 days was anything to speak of because I went and volunteered for way longer. But really I reacted that way because I was feeling jealous and wishing that I was still dating Kevin and not her.

So that's been on my mind ever since Monday. It was kind of disgusting of me to react like that. Any person who takes 10 days off of their life, over Thanksgiving no less, to go help other less fortunate people is really doing a wonderful and special thing. Not to mention the huge financial cost that she willingly paying in order to help others.

Today at the gym I told Kevin that I'd been thinking about this all week and that I wanted to apologize for reacting that way. I told him that I was reacting emotionally but that it wasnt appropriate and that I really do feel like Erin is doing an amazing thing. I said that i know that he's not the one I snubbed but I still felt like I should apologize to him.

Kevin told me that Erin had once seen me and him walking together, months ago. She told him this in a really jealous kind of mean way. Then some time later she apologized to him for it and said that it was her emotions getting in the way. He told her that she doesnt have to apologize to him, that if anything she should apologize to me. So tonight after I apologized and explained myself to Kevin, he shook his head, laughed, and said, "You two are something else."

I don't know why, but I kind of took it as a compliment and I felt good.

An unwritten email

2009-11-10T23:57:00.000-05:00

As I was doing my cardio at the gym tonight, I started thinking about the past and the present and my life in general. And thinking a bit about some of the things that I was talking about last night with the bar owner, regarding my past relationships. It occurred to me that I've finally reached a point at which I'm THANKFUL that my relationship with Paul ended. I can't imagine being with him still at this point, it makes me shudder. The opportunities that I've had over the past few years (that I wouldnt have had if we hadnt broke up) have been so fucking amazing! The personal growth alone makes it worth it. And then being able to finally get out of that small Jewish/white culture. And learning how to really like myself and take care of myself. And learning that I actually CAN do it! And my ability to pick up and travel. And the everyday freedom of not beeing in a relationship- learning the pros and cons of that. And the sex, definitely the sex. Oh my god, if we had stayed together I would only have slept with one person in my entire life!!! And we didnt even have a good sex life! Learning the intricacies of dating and socializing. Being able to have fun and spend money without feeling guilty or bad about it. The list goes on and on...

So the crazy part of all of this (somehow there always is a crazy part when it comes to me...) is that my next thought was, "I should really email him and thank him". For the 5+ years that we did have together- the opportunities for individual growth that it provided, the emotional support, the financial support, the friendship and companionship. For ending the relationship- for all of the above reasons and more. Then I thought to myself, why? Why is it that I want to email him and thank him now when I've never before had any interest in contacting him whatsoever? Could it be because I feel lonely and subconsciously I want to try to bring him back into my life? But no, I really don't think it's that. I feel no emotional connection to him at all. I feel a physical repulsion. I don't want him in my life at all and I wouldnt even care if he responded to my email. So then what? And I think that it's that I'm proud of myself and how far I've come since the time that Paul and I were together and I want him to see my progress too and I want him to know and recognize the work that I've done and how far I've travelled. And maybe part of me wants him to think for himself what he could have had if he hadnt jumped right into another relationship. I don't mean that he could have had me. I mean that maybe he could have been able to grow as an individual and taste the excitement of life and learn as much as I have over the past three years.

But anyway, I didnt write that email. And I probably wont.

Last night

2009-11-10T08:27:00.000-05:00

I'm so tired this morning. I was up late last night. I had a good workout and then on my way home I decided that I was going to go back to that bar and hang out. I was starting to feel like I was avoiding it because of negative associations since I met Jay there. So I wanted to go and get it over with. There was only 6 other people there- three couples. So I got some food and a drink and settled in at the bar with my book. Then the owner and his friend who were sitting at the bar too starting talking to me. We ended up having a three hour discussion about social work and society and religion and Judiasm. The owner is a really interesting guy. He's actually just one of the owners- there are four. He's a practicing psychiatrist. I found out that he's good friends with a professor that I had during the summer. We had such a great time talking and at the end of the night he gave me his card and said that I should call him if I need help with finding a job once I graduate. He knows a lot of administrative level people in the field. So that was a really fun time and then I went home and it was already 11:30. I decided to call my sister in Denver. I finally told her that I don't want to move to Denver. It was a big relief. She said she kind of already knew. I told her that I don't think I'll be happy living in Denver as a single person and I really like living in NYC right now. She wasnt upset at me or angry. It was okay. And we had a long conversation afterwards- like for 2 hours, something we havent done in so long. I didnt go to sleep til after 1am and now I'm really tired! I have a 10 hour day at work ahead of me... Ugh! Here goes...

A day in the park

2009-11-09T16:09:00.000-05:00

It was such a beautiful day today so I went to the park. And then Kevin came. And we hung out and talked for a few hours. It was hard. It was a little sad. But it was okay and I feel okay now. I wonder if the only way I'll learn how to be okay with being friends with Kevin at this point, is by trying it. I'm not putting too much energy into it at this point though. But I'm not putting energy into avoiding him either. I realized that when I do that he ends up being on my mind a lot more and really weighing heavily on me.

I'm going to go back to that bar in a couple of weeks when I get up the balls to do it... I still feel like avoiding the place.

Another Kevin Dream

2009-11-08T09:52:00.001-05:00

I had a dream last night. I don't want to write it all out. But Kevin was in it. Except he didnt look like Kevin. And we were mostly naked. And we hugged for a long long time. And I put my chin over his shoulder and tucked my nose into his neck and smelled his soothing scent. And I ran my fingers over his hair and his eyebrows. And I touched his penis...and it was very large. But we didnt have sex. Because he had a girlfriend. And the whole time we werent really sure we should be touching but it felt good and we missed each other so we did. There was other stuff that happened but that was the gist of it. I feel sad about this dream but I also feel strangely comforted...as if it really did happen. Like I got my chance to touch him and feel that calmness and security again.

It's not good

2009-11-07T23:23:00.003-05:00

It's not helpful for me to be friends with Kevin. It just puts me in a bad mood. And yet, I cannot ignore his text messages. I can't just ignore him. I'm not willing to. I like him too much. And this goes against everything I said just a few hours ago in my previous post. So tonight:

Kevin: I made a big journal entry today.

Me: About?

Kevin: The rising cost of typewrite maintenance :)

Me: Whatever. I made two entries today.

Kevin: Now ur just showing off.

Me: I wish we went to different gyms.

Kevin: I must admit. I was thinking it could have been a lot weirder.

Me: It's the same for me whether or not Erin is there. I dont care if I go to the same gym as her. I dont want to go to the same gym as u. Maybe I should move to Denver.

Kevin: I was thinking that we are in scorpio this month. Its a fixed sign that keeps us locked in past feelings for a few weeks. Ur also a scorpio rising.

Me: Whatever. It's shitty whatever the reason.

(and then after a minute of thought...)

Me: Sorry, that was invalidating for me to say.

Kevin: Next month is sagittarius. More optimistic. More energy. Plus I would miss u if you moved to Denver.

(oh god! how that statement fucks with my head!)

Me: I don't like Denver. Having u in my life as a friend and having constant reminders of you does not make me happy though. It makes me sad. I don't want to be sad.

Kevin: I know you probably don't care but she hardly goes to the gym.

Me: I don't like seeing YOU. I didnt used to date her. I don't mind seeing her.

Kevin: Sorry. I thought the time I was away from the gym was enough. I liked talking to you on the phone. I wish we could hang out as friends again.

Me: Out of sight out of mind and I didnt have to deal with the feelings. Now, I do. I loved talking to you on the phone. But every time I see you I miss you. I wish it was different.

(and then I started crying)

(and then I continued the conversation like an idiot)

Me: In any case, I highly doubt that erin would be happy abt you hanging out with me.

Kevin: Bedtime

Me: Good night. Me too I guess. After I floss.

Kevin: Remember, only the ones u want to keep.

(I wish I could floss Kevin. And keep him.)

In other news, I feel physically disgusting tonight too. I'm ashamed to say it but I binge ate tonight. I'm disgusted with myself. I ate a bowl and a half of pasta and "meat" sauce, then 8 water crackers with cranberry chevre, 5 of a different kind of crackers, and a big sweet potato. I feel so gross right now. What I really wanted was candy but there was none in my cabinets so every time I went to the kitchen I took something else instead, even though I wasnt hungry. For breakfast today I ate a slice of toast with cream cheese, a slice of toast with peanut butter, and some plain nonfat yogurt. Then later around lunch time I ate some baby carrots, a handful of nuts and dried fruits, and a bagel with butter (because it was the only cheap non-sugary thing at Connecticut Muffin.) I ate SO much carbs today! I feel like a pig.

It was bound to happen...

2009-11-07T19:32:00.000-05:00

So today at the gym Kevin walked into the room where I was working out. He said hi. I said hi. After the communication and feelings from this morning, he was the last person I felt like seeing or talking to. I basically ignored him and started my workout. And I was concentrating on my workout and then all of a sudden, Kevin and Erin were both in the room talking to each other. That really really sucked. Erin knows that I dated Kevin before her. But we dont know each other at all. I know that this situation was inevitable and bound to happen eventually since we all go to the same gym. But it was tough. It really threw me off. My first reaction was fear. I didnt see this situation coming. Kevin didnt mention to me that Erin was there when he first saw me and said hello. I was absorbed in my workout and didnt really notice what was happening around me until they were both in the room and talking to each other. Very suddenly I was in a situation that I felt so uncomfortable with and I felt like my control was suddenly ripped away from under me. It was a scary feeling. I felt sad, of course. No need to explain that. I felt inferior and judged- even without knowing what was going through Erin's head. But she is the woman who is dating Kevin now and I was the woman who lost him. And I imagined that she must feel superior because of that. And I felt very inferior. I felt self-conscious. She is tall and skinny. Classic white girl body. A cups and not much of an ass, not much of a shape at all. So different from me. I started feeling like maybe my body wasnt good enough for him. Maybe my body isnt good enough in general. I know that Kevin is sort of unique for a guy because he is attracted to a very wide range of body types. But I think he also has an attraction for the classic white girl body and girls with small breasts. I felt totally not good enough. I felt embarrased to be in that situation, where I'm the loser and Erin knew it. Kevin wasnt rude. He made a point of talking to me while she was in the room. It was just a really yucky experience though and after feeling shitty about missing Kevin this morning, it wasnt a good day for it. Not that any day would have been a good day.

Kevin and Erin left pretty soon after I got there. I felt shitty and didnt want to work out but I decided that I was not going to let that experience ruin my workout. Kevin drama has ruined enough of my workouts in the past and it's not a good excuse anymore. So I had a good workout. Then I came home and had a good dinner. Now I just feel like...whatever. I'm so sick of this. I'm so sick of missing him. I'm so sick of missing people who have moved on from me. I'm so over this. I don't want to be this way. Whatever. So they'll fuck and build a relationship and maybe get married and have kids. Whatever. I'm sick of the drama, I'm sick of feeling shitty, I'm sick of Kevin being the subject of my blog postings after all this time, and I don't want any of it anymore.

Back to this...

2009-11-07T13:52:00.001-05:00

Kevin texted me today that I'll never guess what he found between the mattress and the baseboard of his bed. Apparently, it was a pair of my panties. Compared to what it's been like over the past two months, I've had a lot of contact with Kevin over the past week. And so I've been missing him a lot over the past week. And today. When I got that text I thought of the days when I slept in his bed, next to him. The remembrance of the shape of his body, his warmth, his scent, the texture of his hair. The feelings. Happiness. Contentment. Peacefulness. Relaxation. Security. I wish I could go and lie in his bed right now. Preferably with him next to me. Just to recapture that feeling. I wonder if there is anyone else who I'll have that feeling with again. I remember wondering the same thing when Paul and I first broke up. And thinking that it would never happen again. Just like I'm thinking now.

If I had just $100,000...

2009-11-06T23:23:00.001-05:00

I'd get my own apartment instead of living with roommates.

I'd pay off my credit cards.

I'd pay off my student loans.

I'd get all 11 of my cavities taken care of in one day.

I'd do personal training with Marcos at the gym two times a week.

I'd buy a Macbook Pro.

I'd buy three pairs of shoes. (moccasins, black boots, and black clogs)

I'd buy a new coat.

I'd buy another pair of jeans.

I'd buy another pair of black leggings.

I'm really a very simple person. I try not to be greedy. But these are all things that are on my mind all the time and it's really hard that I don't have the money right now. I hate being poor. I hate feeling poor. I might buy those leggings anyway. And the jeans. But not yet.

Two Things

2009-11-06T20:22:00.000-05:00

First, Jay emailed me today (twice) asking if I'll take him hiking this weekend. I said I have a lot of school work and I'm busy and I'm not really comfortable with it anyway. The last I heard from him, I distinctly remember he txted me asking me a question and then wrote, "I promise, I'll leave you alone after this." That was the same day I called him and told him that I'm not interested in him. So what's the deal? Why is he emailing me out of the blue and asking me to take him hiking like we're best friends or something? I don't want to be around him because I don't really like him and also I wouldnt go somewhere secluded with him! I barely know him and I know he was not happy that I rejected him and I know that he own a gun. Does he think I'm so dumb as to put myself in a situation where I'm alone in the middle of a forest with him?

Second, a much more exciting email came from Andres (videoplacebo on Flickr) saying that he's coming to NYC in December. So I get to meet him and we're gonna do a photoshoot. Hooray! It'll be interesting to see how that goes. I've met a bunch of my Flickr friends in real life and it's always interesting because the way we relate on the internet is so different from the way we relate in real life and that first meeting doesnt always go like how I'd expect it to. I've learned to not have any expectations when it comes to that. Just to let things go how they will.

This post

2009-11-05T23:47:00.000-05:00

I have to send in the paperwork to the attorney general to try to get my security deposit back from my old landlord. I keep procrastinating. I don't want to deal with it at all. I want to forget about it. It gives me bad feelings.

This post wasnt supposed to be about that. It's supposed to be about other stuff. Like how I couldnt fill my prescription for birth control today because they said the prescription is too old. So now I have to make an appointment with stupid Planned Parenthood, which I hate. And I only have a week and a half to do it before I run out of the magic pills. And speaking of birth control, I have to go brush and floss my teeth. I hate flossing. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. There is a connection to birth control by the way. I'm not going crazy. I put my birth control in the bathroom in the drawer with my toothpaste so that I have to go and brush my teeth and floss before I take my pill. It's a good incentive. Cuz if I dont do it then I might get my period. And having my period sucks more than flossing.

This post was also supposed to be about seeing Kevin in the gym tonight. Again. I asked him if he's coming regularly now. He said yes. Fuck. I really wish he wasnt. I don't like seeing him. I feel sad and lonely again and what I really really want is to touch him. To feel his clean shaven head. His body. A hug. A long hug. His smell. This is stupid. I should shut up. And please brain, PLEASE, don't make me dream about him tonight. Anything else. But not him.

This post was supposed to be about how I went to Trader Joe's tonight for the first time in a long while. I did an expensive shopping. I got the damn baby carrots. I want to throw them at someone. I got a bag of barbeque potato chips. There's a little bit of sugar in the seasoning. But I didnt get the cranberry orange relish that I so badly wanted. It's loaded with sugar. I love cranberry relish and cranberry sauce. The fresh kind. I wish. But I did cheat a teeny bit and got the goat cheese log that's rolled in dried cranberries. And of course the cranberries are sweetened. But again, the sugar amount is very little. And I need little things like that. Because I passed the 50% off Halloween candly four times already and bought NOTHING. And it's killing me slowly. It's hard during the day when I'm out and it's all there in my face and I'm so used to buying whatever I want and I have to keep telling myself, "no". I hate feeling deprived of things. That's one of the reasons why I never diet anymore. There are some things that help though (besides for the little splurges.) Sweet potatoes help. Frozen peas. I like those and theyre also sweet. Butternut squash. Persimmons. I'm going to the regular grocery store tomorrow to buy a few sweet potatoes for this week. I lost one pound since I started this no sugar thing. One pound in a week aint too bad. It's not so much the weight though. It's more how I look. That muffin top has got to go. And also the little tummy.

This post was supposed to be about how I'm a little sad tonight. Time to floss and then to bed...

Going in circles

2009-11-04T22:28:00.000-05:00

I feel lonely.

I hate seeing Kevin at the gym.

I want candy. Not baby carrots.

I hate flossing.

I hate everyone.

I hate missing Kevin.

I want candy.

I'm sick of school.

I'm sick of working for no money.

I'm lonely.

I don't want to go "man searching" at a bar.

I want candy.

My triceps hurt.

Also my obliques.

I hate Flickr.

I hate everyone.

I'm tired.

I'm lonely.

I'm hungry.

Go away

I WANT CANDY!

2009-11-04T18:20:00.001-05:00

Oh my god I want candy so so so so so fucking badly! Remind me again...why am I doing this to myself? Why didn't I buy any of that 50% off halloween candy that I passed today in the drugstore as I went to drop off my prescription? And why did I not eat one of those chocolate chip muffins that we had at the office today? Or buy a snack from the vending machine at school?

Damn! I'm hungry all the time but nothing I eat is satisfying. I want candy!!!!!!

A relationship to work on

2009-11-03T17:54:00.000-05:00

I have to talk to my sister in Denver. I have to tell her that I don't want to move to Denver. I'm dreading it. And I feel like I need to talk to her also about how we've grown apart over the past few months. Our relationship has always been based on supporting and validating each other on issues surrounding our parents/childhood/family and then through difficult experiences as adults- like my breakup with Paul or her divorce. But I don't feel the need to process the past as much anymore and I've moved on from Paul. And I didnt talk to her about when I broke up with Kevin because I knew that she would have rathered that I wasnt with him in the first place since he's not Jewish.

(I have to interject here that I want candy so badly, I can hardly think straight. I've thought about candy at least two dozen times already today. I'm feeling really miserable about my sugar-less diet.)

Back to my sister. So I'm just realizing right now that the religious difference is also really getting in the way of our relationship. I havent shared a lot with my sister over the years. The biggest reason why I havent shared things is fear. Fear that she'll judge me or think less of me like she does with most of my other siblings. That's why I've never told her how much I struggle with depression or about the cutting. The other thing is the religious aspect. It's hard for me to share with her about guys I'm dating when I know that no matter who I'm dating and how much I like him and how much I want things to work out, she only really wants it to work out if the guy is Jewish. I feel resentful about that. When I was dating Kevin she told my brother in law that she hopes that even if my relationship with him works out, she hopes we never have kids (because of some Jewish religious implications.) Her attitude makes me feel very resentful and like I don't want to share my dating life with her. Because it is very highly unlikely that I'll end up in a relationship with a Jewish guy. Or really any kind of religious guy- because I'm an atheist. The other thing is that I live such a different life from her in general and I feel weird and unsure about sharing some of the details of my life with her. Like who I sleep with and stuff like that. I bet she'd be surprised if she knew how many guys I've slept with and how many of those were guys that I only slept with once or twice. She's religious and kind of old-fashioned and conservative and I'm worried about what she'd think. But more and more lately, I've felt like there's nothing that I can really share with her and I know that it's mostly coming from me- not from her. I feel like such a closed person around her.

I have to discuss all of this stuff with her if I want to keep my relationship with her and keep it a strong one. It's so hard though. I'm going to push it off a little bit longer. Give myself a week or two to think about it.

Meanwhile, I want candy so badly. I feel starving but I know that I'm not because I just had lunch with Isha in Chinatown and I ate a cup of congee and also sticky rice and it was filling. I only feel starving for something sugary. It fucking sucks. I'm heading to the gym soon. I'm so so so sore. I worked out very hard yesterday. I'll try to do a normal workout today. Not extra hard.

I wonder...

2009-11-03T12:22:00.000-05:00

Lately I've been wondering a lot about who reads my blog and why. Not so much the people who mistakenly reach it and read a post or two. I'm talking about the repeats, the people who read it frequently. I know who some of the people are because I know who they are from Flickr. Like a couple of Flickr contacts in California, one in Arkansas, near Arlington, Texas, in Mexico, in Puerto Rico, in DC/Alexandria, near New City, NY, someone in Croatia or Estonia- I can't remember which, someone in Seattle, someone in Mississippi, and of course my friend Aya in Brooklyn.

But then there are other people who read my blog on a regular basis and I have no idea who they are. Like there is someone else in Brooklyn who reads my blog pretty regularly. And someone in Georgia. A couple of people in New Hampshire. A couple of people in London and a couple of people elsewhere in England. Someone in Sweden. A couple of people in France. A few people in Canada- one in Montreal and one in Toronto. Someone in Minnesota. Someone in Italy. Someone in Chile. Someone in or near Houston, TX. A couple of people in Colorado. A couple of people in Mexico.

I wonder who these people are. Why they read my blog. It's not like they know me. It's not like I have a fascinating life. I bitch and moan and complain a lot on here. I keep asking myself, why? Why are people interested? What does it mean to them? What draws them to it? Does it satisfy something for them? And who are they? What kind of people? What do they do with their days? With their lives? What do they think when they read my blog? Is it like watching a train wreck? Sometimes I wonder if I come off sounding like a totally depressed fuck who spends her life looking for the next guy to sleep with. Not that it really matters. This blog is really for me and my benefit. But I still wonder all of these things.

Lots of people get to my blog through searching "scary circle game" on Google. I wondered why and I tried it myself. My blog comes up as the third item in that search. I think because one of my posts is "scary dream". It's entertaining to see what people search for on Google that gets them to my blog. Like, "voyeurism exhibitionism" or "good phone conversation games" or "i dont want to like him because of his dreads". But then sometimes people search for "lostfoundagain the circle game". So I know that they are specifically looking for me. It makes me wonder who they are.

Well. Anyway. Feel free to introduce yourselves. Or not.

Dentist Woes

2009-11-02T17:13:00.001-05:00

I went to the dentist today for the first time in two years. It wasnt horrible. It wasnt fun. But I found out that I have a lot of cavities. I need a lot of fillings. Eleven to be exact. It is going to cost me nearly $5000. I'll have to put it on my credit card because I don't have the cash right now. But the dentist said something which is true- you can make more money but you can't make more teeth. So I'm gonna go into further debt and take care of my teeth. And I'm really pissed at myself because I could have prevented most of those cavities by flossing. Theyre all in the spaces between my teeth, none of them are on the surfaces. Kevin told me last night- only floss the teeth you want to keep. It's true. I need to stop thinking I'm invincible and start taking care of my teeth. This time for real. Brushing twice a day, every day. Flossing every day. Because right now I have the beginings of cavities but if I don't get serious about my oral hygiene it's going to be root canals and crowns pretty soon. I wish good dentists werent so damn expensive. I could go somewhere else to have it done but it's my teeth and I want to go to someone who really knows what they're doing. I feel very confident in the dentist that I went to today. My old dentist that I used to go to would be just as expensive as this one so it doesnt really matter which of the two I'd go to. Rockefeller Plaza or Madison Ave. And I'm paying the price... But really I'm paying the price of my own laziness. Bummer.

iabeinaein;ainr;GILRW!@#$%&!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-11-02T01:36:00.001-05:00

Fuck! It just occurred to me that I have to get rid of my marshmallow fluff! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahh!! I only had 4 fluffernutter sandwiches! There's still half the jar left!! But it wont do to have it around. I'll want to eat it. And then I will. Motherfucking stupidass shitty piece of sugar!!!! I'm pissed! And wait?! What about jelly? I supposed I shouldnt have PB&J either. Just peanut butter. Crap and piss and shit!!! This no sugar thing BLOWS!!!